He was just born yesterday. 366 days ago.
It is difficult to articulate anything about my son.
He's that cool. Words don't suffice. But I'll try.
First, Happy Birthday, John Ashley Beam. I love you so much, and I am so proud of the one-year-old that you've grown into.
I remember one year ago today. I worked all day to have you cut out, and then I didn't feel so good. I remember when I met you, when I saw you for the first time. I turned my head as I was strapped down to the operating table. Just a tiny glance, and I breathed a sigh of relief: "Phew. He's cute." I was worried that you wouldn't be cute. Silly mama. You are beautiful.
Here come the tears. I love you, sonny Boo.
Things got tough after that. When they took me to really meet you in the recovery room, I tried to feed you. You weren't having it. It was very frustrating for both of us, but you eventually caught on to the whole breastfeeding thing (six months later). The first 2 1/2 months were a constant battle of nursing non-stop and you not gaining enough weight. I want you to know that I treasure every single one of those hard days. I would never trade them for anything in the world because they were days spent entirely with you, my precious firstborn son.
Fast forward to month four when I had to start supplementing formula (HATED THAT! Every second. Mama only wanted you to have the very best.) You started getting chubby, content, and you started looking like me. :) God knew that I needed a little boost to get through those formula days. You also started to be so much FUN to be around. Rolling over. Eating cereal (and getting it EVERYWHERE). Laughing a lot. You are such a joy to me!
Then the magic month came. At six months you LATCHED! I cannot describe to you how proud I was when you finally got it. We were traveling for Uncle Josh's mom's funeral. We had 3 flights to make it to Seattle, and 3 flights to make it home. I nursed you to sleep on every flight (or attempted to). Because of that practice (and the many months before), you learned how to nurse. I weaned you off of formula in the weeks following, thanks to fenugreek and God's grace. I thank God often for the blessing that it's been to breastfeed you. (John, I want to apologize ahead of time for this post when you're older and reading this. Count this as one of my Mama moments to embarrass you. I get a few. Just thank God that I did not pose nursing you on the cover of Time.)
I remember when we went to Disney World with your Aunt Cal and SHE discovered your first tooth. That happened at six months. Your second tooth came about a week-and-a-half later when we were with Honey and Aunt Lindsay, and you had a fever. :(
Then you started crawling. Backwards first (at six months) and forward at seven months. Your first word was "Dadadadada." I was mildly jealous. (You still talk about him WAY more than you do "Mama." What's up with that?!?;)
At eight months you started pulling up on anything and everything. You also loved to wave and give high fives.
These last few months have come and gone SO FAST. Is there anything that you can't do now? You can walk. Heck, you can practically run. You're also climbing, clapping, eating all kinds of big people food, and saying "AHHH" when your mouth is empty and you want more. You can say "yeah" and (uh-oh) "no," which you say A LOT. You are one. Your mama can't believe it.
It is really fun to reflect over the last year. You've made me a mom. More than that, as the mama of a one-year-old, you've made me a mom with perspective.
So, what have I learned?
OH. SO. MUCH.
First thing, there is no such thing as perfection when you're a parent. I am a perfectionist. Always have been. BUT as I've gotten to know John Beam, that perfectionist mentality has been thrown out of the window in rather large chunks. I am thankful for this lesson that you, Boo Boo, have been teaching me because I know that no amount of striving/clawing/fighting/struggling/manipulating/etc. will change the fact that I can't give you everything that you need. I will never be the perfect parent. HOWEVER, my imperfection opens the door for God, the perfect Father [see Matthew 23:9] (and Mother), to step into his rightful place as Lord and Leader of your life.
Father, I pray that John with trust Christ with his life at a very young age. I pray that he will know THE Father. In Jesus's name.
Secondly, I have learned that everything comes to an end. Your psycho non-latching stage? Over. Your spit-up-everyday stage? Ceases to exist. Your pee-all-over-Dada-at-every-diaper-change-phase? Shucks, that one ended too. ;)
Father, I pray that you will help Josh and I to savor every age and stage of John Ashley's life. I pray also that we will utilize each passing season's teachable moments to pass on the character/purpose/example of your Son, so that John can partner with us in your Kingdom's advance. In Jesus's name, I ask.
I have learned what it is to truly rely on the grace of God. Parenting is something that I can honestly say I CANNOT do in my own strength. I just don't have a knack for it, but thanks be to God that I can rely on the perfect parent to impart wisdom and supernatural strength to me during my times of greatest need. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Thank you, Father, for my inability to parent. I have had such a sweet time relying on you for strength. I have seen YOUR grace parent my son. I look forward to many more years of US teaming together to raise Beam children. I adore you, Father.
Finally, I understand (a teensy bit better) the love that God has for me. He loves me because I am His. Some days John is cray cray. He wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and does not do one thing that I like ALL DAY LONG. And yet, I adore him still because his is mine. God feels the same way about those of us He's adopted. He calls us His own and nothing, NOTHING can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39).
Thank you, Father, for loving us as a perfect Father. Unconditionally. Incomprehensibly. In Jesus's name.
God also loves us at our worst. My son cried day and night in his beginning. Our house wasn't pretty. I wasn't pretty. Josh, dare I say, wasn't pretty. We were struggling all because of this little bundle of joy terror. It was in that sleepless, feeling like death state that I began to appreciate how God sent his Son to die for me when I we the whole world was still in sin: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). This love has made all the difference. This love has given me life.
Father, I pray that you will help me continue to love our Boo Boo when he's at his worst. I pray that my love will point him to You. In Jesus's name.
[If anyone wants to learn about having a relationship with this kind of love (JESUS), shoot me a message on fb or email me. I'd love to share my experience with Christ with you.]
In closing, I want my son to know that this has been the richest year of my life. You have made me the proudest mama in the whole world. I love you much more than this blog could contain or express.
Oh, and you are the best dancer in America. Maybe in the whole world.
Keep bouncin', Baby Boo.
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