Journey to Healing

So, the blog has been a little quiet. I have been living my usual - ya know, trying to get through the day as best I can - life.

Yes, and for a while now, I have been wondering why I have been living without the joy & victory that Jesus promised.

Welp, in my God's usual fashion, when I start asking, He starts answering.

My newest nephew, Hudson Bee, was born almost 3 months ago. {He is already over 18 pounds!!! Wowzers!! I cannot wait to squeeze his chubbiness in 23 days.} When Hudson was born, God blessed me with the opportunity to go to Georgia and meet him in person. See?

That trip was just really, really hard for me because it was then that I realized that I, Ashley Beam am a chronic people pleaser. [I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PEOPLE PLEASER BECAUSE EVERYONE STRUGGLES WITH PEOPLE PLEASING, and I, well, I always want to be different from everyone. Sigh.] So, parenthood is the quickest way ever to expose one's addiction to the approval of others. See, parenthood is my most important job to date, and I want to do everything right {which I definitely don't} and I want everyone to think that I'm doing everything right as a parent {which everyone definitely doesn't/NEVER will}. So, on this trip, as I beat myself up the entire time because I felt like I wasn't living up to anyone's expectations, I realized that I have a problem. I was looking for man's approval {which is eternally meaningless} and not God's.

As I realized this problem {during a rare car ride alone}, God brought to mind a dear older woman who lives/ministers in Jesus's name in the Detroit area. He clearly told me that He wanted me to start spending time with her to learn to listen to Him that I might find healing and wholeness.

So, I emailed her. I told her some very personal things about my past and my growing-up life, as well as some things that God revealed to me through reading his written Word (the Bible) that were very personal to my situation & the wounds that I have as a sin-cursed girl raised up in a sin-cursed world. Her response?

"Awesome is what I say about your willingness to share your heart. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I would LOVE to have the honor of getting to know you."

Thank you, Father. I am so blessed to have women in my life who help me walk more closely with You.

L & I have been meeting together for over a month now. We have been reading through a fabulous book on inner-healing together. {Email/facebook me if you'd like to know specifics about the book.} We're jumping around in it as the Spirit leads. We're also spending time listening to God together. And God is speaking.

He has shared with me that I don't know how to/have not allowed myself to experience His love. Because I was unable to experience love from a key figure in my life, I just decided in my head that this person loved me (even though I seldom felt his/her love). I assumed the same pattern in my relationship with God. I decided in my head that God loves me {which is TOTALLY true; Head, keep believing that He loves you! He does!}, but I've seldom been able to experience God's love. Hopefully, God will continue to reveal the roots of why I have been unable/afraid to experience His love in my daily life.


Ephesians 3:17-19: so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. {Currently praying these verses over my life. Man oh man, how I desire this!}

I also sense that because I rarely experience God's love that I often minister out of what I myself can muster, rather than leaning on the strength that God gives. [Could this be why it's so hard for me to visit with the friends God has given me?] I want to give/share/visit/love out of the overflow of love that I experience from my God.

I know that God is with me. Always. I do not doubt His love for me. Even though I oft can't feel it.

I know that I gots issues. That, and God loves me enough to meet me in the midst of them. He is ready & willing to get me to the point of wholeness (in Christ) where I can fully experience Him, where I can comprehend the breadth & length & height & depth of His love, where I can know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge.

And I'll keep you posted through it all. I've got a long way to go, peeps. But I trust. Jesus is gonna get me there.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. - Psalm 63:3 {Father, may I know this love that is better than life. In Jesus's name.}

In other news, the usually bushy eyebrow girl was brave, brave, brave & got her eyebrows threaded last week. Check out this sorta awkward picture that I took of myself this Thanksgiving. I think I like the new brows, just not sure if I want to be made fun of again by thread-er lady for crying. Haha.

Thanks for reading.

Love y'all,
Ash

What's In a Name?

John Ashley

It's not the name that I always imagined for my son {ask anyone who knew me in late elementary, middle, and/or high school ... yep, I've had his name picked out for that long. I'm a dork, I know.}

Benjamin Joseph

His name is Ben/Benji/Benny Joe/& the recently discovered Benja Ninja. He is my second-born son, yet to be conceived/born/maybe not coming (only God knows).

The naming of my firstborn son was one of my first acts of submission to my husband boyfriend. Okay, now y'all are gonna really think me crazy. I have two baby dolls. One girl (Sarah). One boy (used to belong to Calley, but I stole him. [She wasn't really that into baby dolls + this doll is kinda stinky {he's a boy} = I wonder what Calley did with him. Oh well. I loved him. And I named him Ben, of course.]

When I moved into the Girls House (Chick Zone/Princess Zone) in January 2008, my baby dolls came with me. :) At the time, Josh and I had been dating for two+ years. We knew that we wanted to be married, but we were in the waiting cycle (that would last until September 12, 2009). I knew that John & Elizabeth were Josh's most favorite names that he would choose for his future children. Elizabeth made me super excited ... LOVE the name. John, not so much. I thought it was boring, too common, and, most importantly, it wasn't Benjamin.

Over the summer of 2008, Josh and I (with a team) lived at Ft. Benning for spiritual training. A group of close friends (that would become three married couples) sat around the dinner table one night "calling" baby names. (Ya know, reserving them for future use.) Josh called John. I was horrified.

But, it was that night that I realized just how much he loved the name John. I decided to rename my baby doll (insert submission here ... and try not to laugh. IT. WAS. HARD.) Then I started doodling John on the margins of my class notes. It was a process for me.

When Josh and I got married, we knew that we wanted to start having kids pretty soon thereafter. Naming our son (because the daughter's name was set ... come on, sister Sarah) became a huge priority for me. I knew that his first name would be John, but his middle name? Benjamin Joseph just flowed so perfectly to me. What flowed perfectly with John? The answer had been staring us in the face.

Before we decided on Ashley, I toyed with naming him John Israel. I LOVE, love, LOVE Jacob in the Scriptures. (Josh LOVES, loves, LOVES John the Beloved in the Scriptures.) I actually really like the name Jacob too, but we couldn't see naming a boy John Jacob (go ahead, start singing). God changed Jacob's name to Israel in the Scriptures, and I loved the meaning behind that, but I was never quite settled on it.

One day I stopped and asked myself, "Why am I naming my son John?" Answer: Because Josh loves the name. Me: "But why am I going with it? Normally I have such strong opinions about names." Answer: Because I ADMIRE someone named John.

That someone named John is named John Ashley, in fact. (And you thought my kid was named after me.)

So, Josh has this friend named John Ashley. This friend is more than a friend, though. He has been Josh's spiritual mentor over the last five years. He is one of the only friends in the world who (in Josh's words) "would do anything for me." He is also one of my favorite people to pick on/pester/joke with/spend time with, etc. I have so much respect for him. He is one of the only men in the world about whom I WILL say to my son, "Imitate John Ashley as he imitates Christ." Seriously, we love this man. It was in early 2010 that we decided that our son's name HAD to be John Ashley. Now we had the task of convincing an extremely humble person to allow us the honor of naming our son after him.

Convincing John Ashley Day came in early July 2010, a few days before he and I were both standing up beside Mr. & Mrs. Randall & Hannah Nowill on their wedding day. We were at Han's parents' house eating yummy deliciousness (being spoiled by them as usual). I remember that he didn't believe we wanted to name our son after him. He didn't believe it, but he didn't say no. Score!

Fast forward: Sept. 28, 2010: Josh and I found out we were expecting. Happy/scary day ... What had we gotten ourselves into??

Fast forward: November 2010: I announced to my all-girls small group at Bible study that I was pregnant. Did I mention that we attended the same Bible study as John Ashley? When the girls heard the name choices, many of them pledged their allegiance to Team Blue so that we could have another John Ashley. I'm telling y'all, he's an admired man.

Fast forward: January 19, 2011: We didn't find out the gender at our 20-week ultrasound. Muahahahaha! [Somehow, I intuitively knew that he was a boy.]

Fast forward: June 2, 2011: Josh announced to family and friends (who had been sitting in a waiting room for a mad long time) that John Ashley Beam was here. Celebration ensues. Where was Mama? In recovery. :( I hear it was quite the party, though. Our boy was here! John Ashley was here.

Photo Credit: Alex Mooney :)

So, what's in a name? Quite a lot. Quite a lot of planning, thought and prayer are behind John Ashley's name. But I am most excited about what is before John's name ... a whole thirty-something years of a life well-lived in submission and obedience to Jesus. I am so thankful for my friend, John Ashley. His life has meant so much to my own through the way that he's invested in my husband AND all the fun he's added to my days. :)
It is an honor to mother a child with the same name.

But there's more.

After June 2, 2011 (& 3rd & 4th) [you know when all the celebrating died down], I embarked on the most difficult [and rewarding] journey of my life to date. I became John's Mama, and it was a rough transition. I experienced - like really tasted - the grace of God like never before. Oh, the sweetness of God's grace, which was there for me through the sleeplessness, through the feeding problems, through the recovery, through it all (it's still there, and I accept it like never before). God really showed me that His grace is sufficient. That my salvation, my right standing before Him has NOTHING (absolutely NOTHING) to do with my actions/how well I perform. Praise God that my salvation has EVERYTHING to do with Jesus, and the righteousness that He gives me.

I learned these lessons about the grace of God because of my John. What does John mean?

God is gracious.

I weep. God named my son. He knew the precise lesson that Mama would need to learn, and he gave that lesson to my son for a name. Every time I say my son's sweet name (which I love) (I say his name approx 895 times each day.), I am saying God is gracious. Yes and amen. God is gracious.

God is gracious.

God is gracious.

John.

John.

John.

On Adoption

"I'd really like to adopt one day."

When Josh said those words to me, my dream of one day adopting a child moved [in my mind] from ENFP la-la world to the real world. And my heart soared.

Honestly, babies are hard. The fresh out of the womb, loved and cared for from the moment they get here kind. I cannot imagine the hardships that come with an adopted child who bears the scars of being unloved and feeling unlovable. I cannot imagine, but my heart longs to find out.

In honor of Orphan Sunday, I want to admit that I am taking the first steps. I started a board on Pinterest a few days ago to house helpful articles/links about adoption. {I admit to you that I know next to nothing about adopting.} I have also begun praying for the child/children God may one day have for us.

This dream is one that totally overwhelms me (and just honestly scares the crap out of me), but it feels good to share it with others.

I also want to share a couple of other things.

1. A number. I just read that there are an estimated 163 million children who lack a family or a place to call home. Wow.

2. A truth. James 1:27: "Religion that our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress ... "

I hope that you'll join me in really wrestling with this word today. How in the world does God want me to take part in looking after orphans [and widows] in the midst of their hardship and suffering?

If anyone has any fun applications (that you're currently practicing/want to carry out in your own life), leave them in the comments section. I'd love to hear from you. [Follow this link for information about a giving opportunity.]

Father, I thank you today that you are the perfect Father. Thank you that we can trust you completely with all of your children, and that you are never far from any of us. I thank you for orphans, Father. Thank you for the opportunity that you have given your Bride, to love and care for these that we may point them to Jesus. I ask that you would give us your energy to invest in the lives of these children. I ask that you would set apart and call forth laborers who will labor in love by accepting a child or children into their own families (like you've done for us through Christ). 

I pray, Father, that you would give Josh and I wisdom as we consider growing our own family through adoption. I ask that we will participate in your perfect timing. There are so many needs RIGHT. NOW. but I pray for the child/children that you have for us {wherever/whenever they may be}. I pray that you will draw them to Jesus, Father, and enable them to feel the security and peace that comes only from your love. 

I also thank you for children in general, for the gift that they are, for the example of simple faith and trust that they set. Thank you for our John. I pray that you would strengthen us to show him tireless love each day, that he would know by our love that he is infinitely valuable, that he would experience a small taste of your love through us. I ask for these blessings in Jesus's name. 

Five Minute Friday: Roots

I am finding a lot of therapeutic benefits in writing these days. It's barely not even winter, and I already feel so cooped up, with very little motivation to leave my house.


I've decided to start linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker on "Five-Minute Friday" from time to time. She gives me a prompt and I write for five minutes on said prompt {whatever my heart desires}.

This week? Roots.

It may be said that I am a Southerner. No, it must be said. And more than a Southerner, I am a Georgian. Go ahead, make a joke, and I will field them. No, I am not married to my cousin [though my husband might have thought I was dating my cousin when we first met. Weird. Ask Josh for the story; I've only got five minutes... and maybe ADD.] I did not grow up on a farm (nothing wrong with that), and I'm not a member (nor do I know any) of the KKK. I am a Georgian. As the election approaches and people talk about exercising their right to vote, I feel more Georgian than I do American. Always have. Always will. But now I live in Michigan. A traitor? Leaving home. Leaving comfort, family, summer. Sigh. Yes, I left. Yes, I cringe when people who've known me for forever tell me that I'm losing my accent or people who I've just met say that I don't have much of one. I cringe and then turn on the charm (and my best South Georgia accent ... ask my husband). I turn it on because I want it to be known, trusted, accepted by all that Georgia is where I'm from. And though I may not live there, Georgia is where I belong.

In sweet, loving memory of one of my favorite Georgians to ever live, Pa.

#SheReadsTruth - Pondering Philippians 3

I have been reading the Bible with an community of women on the web. This community/Bible reading plan/devotional is known as #SheReadsTruth. Check 'em out!

This is my response to Philippians. Enjoy!

"Take a minute if you need to.
List it all out. All your accolades, all your failures. "

Accolades:

• Lets see, I have always been a good girl (by the standards of my mom's friends and such). I've never smoked, never drank alcohol; I saved myself for marriage. I don't use cuss words. (You know, except the ones I made up ... Oh yeah, if you ever hear me say "crimeny" or "crimen," I'm frustrated.) 
• I graduated college ... magna cum laude. Yep, I worked my butt off. 
• I've read the whole Bible. (That counts for something, right? Especially for an ENFP who NEVER finishes anything.)
• I breastfed my son for over a year (still going) ... I am also a stay-at-home-mama. 
• I was part of a Bible study in Savannah that was (still is) super intense.
• I have a wonderful marriage. 

Failures:

• Confession Time: Habitual liar right here. God hates that.  
• I flunked out of college. Yep, they kicked me out. Seven years in, I graduated. 
• In my natural self, I can be kind of judgmental - you know, lacking in the mercy.
• I cry multiple times every week. I am weak. 
• I never turn in library books on time. I am always late (to EVERYTHING). 
• My house is typically a mess. No housewife of the year award for me.
• I can't seem to get my Bible reading plan on track since becoming a mommy. I look to #SheReadsTruth for help.

Okay, seriously, I could go on all day in the failures category. Please don't be offended by this. I realize how ridiculous some of the things I view as "accolades" sound. This post is me being really honest, and the point of this post is forthcoming. I just wanted to get some of the "accomplishments" that I might (stupidly) put my trust in out of the way. I don't have much of a reason to put confidence in the flesh (as you have seen). The writer of the book of Philippians (which I've been reading in my Bible lately as a part of the #SheReadsTruth community), Paul, had many, many more accolades than this girl.

Philippians 3:3-6:
For it is we who are the circumcision, we who worship by the Spirit of God, who glory in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh - though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If anyone thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.

Photo Credit: Kayla Johnson Photography
In the background: Hannah :)

Paul had a HUGE, long list of religious/cultural accolades, yet he chose to put no confidence in the flesh (even though he had every earthly reason to). Why?  Well, he had come face to face with Jesus, and he'd rather have Jesus than the right to boast in all his worldly accomplishments.

The following passage has always been one of my favorites in Scripture. Why? Well, I'm not sure. Now that I really take time to ponder it, it's the anti-me. {I've always been sort of a Pharisee, like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son, one who tries to work for her salvation. Silly me.}

Philippians 3:7:
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

Anything that I viewed as profitable/good/worthwhile about myself has actually served to hinder the grace of God in my life. (God's power is made perfect in weakness; thus, my delight SHOULD come in my weaknesses/hardships/persecutions/difficulties because it is then that God's power is put on display.)

Philippians 3:8-9:
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

Photo Credit: Hannah and Randall Photography

Y'all, everything on Earth is a loss compared to knowing Jesus. He's that awesome! I don't even think that I understand just how good. Paul says that He's so good that everything else is rubbish. Refuse. Poop compared to Jesus. My college degree? Poo-poo. My freshly cleaned house? Dung. All the breast milk in the world? [Glorious] dookey. You get the picture. I could spend my whole life holding on to my accomplishments, glorying in them. OR I could trade in my own cheap, sorta made-up righteousness and just trust Jesus for His. [That's where the faith part comes in.]


Added bonus for trusting Jesus? I get to know Him in all His glory {and all that comes with Him ...}

Philippians 3:10-11
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Bonus = experiencing in my own personal life the power that raised Jesus from the dead. [WHAT??!!?? Think about that statement for a moment.] {I haven't even begun to tap into this power with my 26-year-old self. Father, as you increase my age, increase my faith.} I also have the extreme honor of experiencing a taste of how Jesus suffered. {Again, I haven't tapped into the reality of this yet. Again, Father, as I grow up in You, strengthen my faith.}

Conclusion? Ashley Beam is sick and tired of trying/striving/beating her head against a wall to muster something that looks like/smells similar/feels almost the same as (but ISN'T) righteousness. I am trading all that for you, Jesus. Truth? I am a quite the hot mess anyway. Let's be real. Jesus is the only one who has it together, and I desperately want Him. 

Btw, all emphases are mine (in case you were wondering).

Love, Ash

Five Things I'm Loving Right Now

My baby is on the eve of being seventeen months. My husband is well on his way to being teacher of the year [in my book]. And I am maintaining my craziness quite nicely. It's November, y'all, and I'm linking up with a friend of Rebecca's for her monthly "Five Things I'm Loving Right Now." Here goes ...

1. Madagascar 3. These have been some long days for Mama & Boo lately. Four stubborn eye teeth are currently protruding bumps in my baby's gums. Ouch. How have we coped with the extra clingy-ness and whining? Two words. AFRO. CIRCUS. Boo Boo also dressed up as Melman for Halloween. Check him!

2. Basketball, duh. Okay, it was kind of fun to pretend to be a Tigers fan and watch them blow the World Series, but seriously, so amped about my Celtics. Rondo. And Rondo. Did I mention Rondo?! Dates with my hubby & son to go out and watch many-a game. Pumped about the rivalries [but I'll do my best to leave all the trash talking behind]. Seriously though, Lakers/Heat hater right here. And then ... bring on the Cats! Basketball is literally the only shining thing about this weather getting colder. Love it!

3. Tweet, tweet, tweeting on the Twitter. I just really adore Twitter. I have like not that many followers, but who cares? Tweeting allows me to externally process throughout the day, and I know that one day I will love going back and seeing what John and I were up to in the good ol' fall of 2012. Oh, and y'all, follow me here.

4. Alone time Tuesdays. Hubby started teaching high school science (like, uh, physics ... yep, he's a genius) last month. Before that he taught, uh, sixth grade math = big difference. Thus, he's been a little busy adjusting.  On top of that, for the first few weeks, he was still working his night job [Thank God that's done.] and Mama was pulling mega-triple duty at home. One day I realized that it had been six weeks since I'd left the house and just had some down time. This realization on my part coincided with my bestie's [Mandy's] grand idea for us to trade off babysitting each week. She is a smart, smart girl. Yep. It's been really nice to spend a couple of hours sipping on coffee and studying my Bible. I get a taste of my old life + I get to come home to this cutie. Best of both worlds.

5. Discovering me. I shared with y'all in this sort of strange post that God has been bringing up some issues in my life [and using mi familia to do it]. Well, I decided after that scary encounter with myself that I needed to start meeting with an older woman in the faith who is well-versed in the language of inner-healing/counseling. We met for the first time last Tuesday, and it was wonderful. I enjoy being able to process aloud with someone. Especially with someone who is so gentle & wonderful as this dear lady [much, much more to come on just what God reveals]. In trying to understand why I am so terribly jacked up, I turned to my trusty old MBTI preferences for insight. Boy, did my ENFP-ness [don't say that out loud] deliver. ;) This line, this line tells the tale of my life: "Relaxation - even in play - does not come easily to ENFPs. In fact, they almost have to 'work at it.'" BINGO. I discovered that I literally do not know how to relax. Have I ever relaxed? Somebody teach me to relax, please. So, this last thing that I'm loving is NOT always pretty. Or even defined. I'm just learning about myself. Learning how to be myself. Learning so that I can be used [in all my broken glory] to love people towards Jesus.

Thanks for reading, y'all. What are you loving right now?