A Different Kind of Update

I am 26 weeks pregnant.

This number sort of appalls me.
This pregnancy has been a hard season.
Mostly because of the season.
Winter. Hard. Hard. Hard.

There is a huge part of me that just wants out of it.
I want winter to be over.
I want to hold a newborn baby.
I want to not have to constantly obsess over how the heck I'm going to have enough energy to entertain my son throughout the day.

But I am finding that this season is producing.
What exactly, I'm not sure.

Maybe for starters, it's producing thankfulness.
True thankfulness.
Even when it's a sacrifice to say thanks.

I feel really happy that I will not look back on this pregnancy as a wonderfully festive time.
This is hard for me to explain fully.
I think I will look back on it as an altogether imperfect season.
One that revealed cracks and holes.
One with plenty of opportunity for God's grace.

Every week (by Tuesday), I am saying, "Next week, I am gonna do ________________ better."
"Next week, I'll get ________________ more right."

And the following week, I'm right back to, well, saying the same.
This pregnancy has revealed that I am still a wonderfully flawed person (as if I didn't already know it).
This pregnancy has revealed it all the more!

I want to remember that I drank too many too sweet decaf Starbucks beverages because I felt I "needed it" to get through the day.
I want to remember that I strapped John in his car seat and listened to him talk to himself/sing country songs for a couple of hours before he fell asleep because I was so desperate for time that didn't involve him hanging on me.
I want to remember the episodes of Curious George that he watched for half of the day. The one with the skunk and then the baby kitten.
I want to remember the kitchen when my sink, counter, and table were cluttered with dirty dishes.
I want to remember all of my failed attempts to invite someone, anyone into the messiness of my life - paralyzed by shame which I know that God already covered over x a million. I know, but I sit crippled, isolated.
I want to remember that one of John's favorite slogans is "throw it in the chicken" because our kitchen floor is ever-littered with toys that I often fail to make him clean up.
I want to remember the three snow/ice falls and the countless times that I lost my balance and nearly fell only to whisper, "Thank you, Jesus," all the times He caused me to stand on my own two feet.
I want to remember the taste of the Nestle Tollhouse milk chocolate chips (only the best for my baby) and the sound of the nurse telling me that my glucose tolerance test was normal.
I want to remember all of the pathetic days of laying back down only five minutes after waking up because it was so effing freezing in my house and/or I just felt funny. I want to remember that the mornings were hard, and that during March, I started eating lunch around 9 a.m. just to feel normal.
I want to remember that John couldn't really care less about his sibling. To remember that every time I told him Baby bro/sis was kicking me, he'd proceed to kick him/her back. He has no idea the magnitude of the gift I plan to give him in late June - the reason his Mama doesn't cannot tend to his every whim. {Father, draw him to Jesus. Please.}
I want to remember that I'd often plop myself on the couch (or lock myself in my room) from the second Josh walked through the door and remain in my dormant state all evening long.
I want to remember that I gained 28 pounds before 28 weeks. I also want to remember the total (however crazy large it may be).
I want to remember this babe as one who moves very little. And though I gave up worry for Lent, I have quiet anxiety attacks at least ten times a day regarding whether or not he's still alive or if I've killed him/her with my decaf coffee/chocolate habit.

I want to remember this pregnancy for what it was. It was hard.
To all the women who struggle to get pregnant and wish that their hard was my hard, I write this in your honor. We suffer differently; glory to God!
I am not writing a formal complaint against this child to share with him/her later in life when I want to feel validated as the best mother in the world.
I am not airing grievances against God Himself.
No.

This is me counting my blessings.
God is using this pregnancy. Like mad.
Every single day.
He is deepening my desire for Him.
My desire that John will be His {because let's be real, this place is hard}.
Deepening my understanding that second children are among His greatest gifts.
{If we had any inclination that there was any way we'd achieve perfect parent status in this lifetime, the second child throws that illusion out the window [totally shattering said window in the process]. Complete breaking of reliance upon myself is happening, people.}

I write this after an hour-long Starbucks session of listing things I need to do to give my life more peace this week. Baseball practice is back in full-swing and Josh will spend two nights this week talking final grades with parents. It's gonna be one of those weeks, so I gotta put my game face on.

This week I will once again show up for motherhood and pregnancy. Admittedly, I might pull the covers back over my head one day every day. But I will show up.

I want to meditate on this thing:

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

I am so honored to be carrying you, sweet one. I am so thankful for you and for the ways in which you're already molding me - not into a better Mama, but a more dependent one. I pray often over you and your big brother than you will depend on God (this is one of my five key areas of prayer for you). I pray that You, Father, will use my feeble excuse for faith to model for my children that life is only abundant when we are relying upon You for strength and help. I cannot believe that You are entrusting to me another child teacher. I know that there is no way that I'd be the Ashley you desire without this person. And so I ask for this cup to remain. Even to run over with hardship if that's what it takes to drive me towards You. I am so thankful for this babe and this pregnancy. I give thanks, in Jesus's Name. Amen.

And now for something fun ...
Total Weight Gain: 28 POUNDS (!!!!!!!) {I will also embrace suffering to lose this baby weight.}

Mama, You-Babe & Big Bro - 23 weeks gestation
John slowly learning to pee in the potty

How's sleep? Very hard to get to sleep, but once I'm there, I sleep pretty well.
Food Cravings: Chocolate Chips
What I Miss: Warmth - this really has nothing to do with pregnancy. Related to pregnancy: I miss waking up and feeling like a normal person rather than too weak to begin my day.
What I'm Looking Forward To: Going outside with no long sleeves/coat. Taking your big bro to the park/showing off my bump (=YOU) at Daddy's baseball games. In short, I'm ready for the true arrival of Spring.
What's new? I had two Braxton Hicks contractions during week 25. I never experienced this with John. It gives me a sense of hope (maybe false hope) that I'll be able to experience real contractions with you.
Movement: You move significantly less than your brother did. This leads me to believe that you'll be more calm and sleep more. Ha! I also fear you'll have your days/nights confused because you move mostly at night when Mama is trying to get comfy and go to sleep.
Gender Guess: I have no clue. I do get boy vibes when I'm at the doctor's office. The staff ask me what I'm having each month, and I always tell them how I don't know and how my family is due for a girl. Every time I just feel like they're telling me with their eyes, "Sorry, hun, it's not a girl" (though I have no preference). We shall see...