June 30, 2012 began as an extremely lazy Saturday in the Beam household. Neither Josh nor I felt like doing much of anything because our tired little window units were also succumbing to exhaustion making for a very HOT Saturday in our home.
Then God decided it was time to really turn up the heat.
Josh was the first to receive a phone call. I can always tell when he is talking to a Cannady family elder because his voice gets all serious, and a disproportionate amount of yes-sirs come out of his mouth. He knew before I did (which was probably a good thing), then he looked for my phone, which, of course, was ringing.
I answered.
My mama on the other line: "Ash-Mo, I've got some bad news, and I only have a minute to talk."
Me: "Okay."
Mama: "We lost Pa this morning."
Me (calmly): What? (hoping I'd misheard her)
Mama: "We lost Pa, baby. He's gone."
In hindsight, I wish that I'd been able to control my emotions a little better. Composure. It's a gift that I've been given. I can remain composed in somewhat fearful situations, but not this time. My mama (in the car with my grandma following the ambulance to the hospital) would listen to several minutes of incessant sobbing.
I literally fell off the couch when she re-told me the news. Never in my life has something literally knocked me down like the news of my Pa's death. I was stunned. Sickened. Heartbroken.
Sure, he'd been sick. He'd been suffering. I knew that one day he would leave us, but I never wanted it to be today. It was always in the future in my mind. My Pa was seated on the riverbanks when I imagined my elementary school-aged son playing in its waters. He was there in the hospital room when I gave birth to a little girl. He always answered the phone when I imagined calling Ma and Pa from our future overseas home. (Oh, how I wish I could hear him answer the phone. No one on earth answered the phone in quite the same way.) He was there. Always.
I had to try to learn to accept this news on June 30, 2012, but I just couldn't do it. I had never lost anyone like him, so I didn't know how to go about accepting it. My attempt led me to Wendy's. And it led me to open my Bible, which led me to God. [I really don't know how unbelievers grieve. And how they get through losing someone. I think that I would be in such a terrible place right now if I didn't know God and feel His comfort and presence.]
And then I drove. I drove and I prayed. Then I stopped driving (so not to endanger anyone's life). I screamed and cried until I had no voice. In the end, God knew that I was not happy about losing my Pa. God knew that I hated it. And God knew that I wanted something eternally good to come out of it. For me, I asked God to give me the blessing of His presence through this season (and through forever). For me, I asked God to give me the privilege of intimately, deeply knowing Him.
And then I drove some more. I listened to one of my favorite Christian rappers (check him out), K.B. One of my favorite songs of his is called "Brand New" ... [waiting music, waiting on the new Heaven, new Earth]. I am attaching the lyrics of this song to the end of this post for your encouragement.
Pa's leaving us has helped me cement how I want to live my life, especially regarding what kind of parent I want to be. Remember how I told you that he was always there in my dreams for our future? Well that's what I've decided that I will be. Always there. Present. But not just present like - "Oh yeah, there's my mom over there." Present like understanding his needs moment by moment. Reading to him - the same book - over and over and over. Nursing him just to keep him close (not because he needs it nutritionally). Considering his wants/needs over my own day in and day out (because not only was that the way that my Pa parented/grand-parented; that's also the way that Jesus parents His kids).
I miss you, Pa, every day.
My name is Ashley Beam. I am Delmo Cannady's oldest granddaughter. I intend to make Mr. Cannady very proud.
Brand new, (Who is KB?)
Brand new, (Waiting for the new earth new)
Behold I'll make all things (I'm a slave for the Lord Jesus Christ)
Brand new, (I'm a nobody, here to tell everybody)
Brand new, (about somebody, who could save anybody)
Behold I'll make all things brand new (Let's go!)
Uh, suffer will reign,
Homie we live that-that's just not a cliche,
The Christian life is not a piece of heaven on earth
But bless God, we get the peace of heaven on earth
'Cause we know all things, even the hard things,
Work together to make us look more like our King
Yeah, He's with us in this storm,
Sickness or health, dead or alive, I'm a child of God
Some say God doesn't want you to suffer but where they saw that?
We don't pray for a lighter cross, but a stronger back
(It's not about) the comfort, good life, and security
You will feel pain but he's breaking you for maturity
Girl, believe He's for you,
It's OK like abbreviatin' Oklahoma
Child of God, believe He's for you,
It's OK like abbreviatin' Oklahoma
Lord, come quickly put your return on fast forward
When the sun does the sky like it does your dashboard
Something's better coming this life is a passport
Only glory set before me, what I'm feeling bad for?
No more Christians getting slandered on the media
No more baby girl, say bye to leukemia
No more persecution like gal in China,
Who's been tortured for many days and we still can't find her
Straighten passion-depression, struggles with trust
No more goin' to Wal-Mart havin' to war against lust
Glorified bodies are stronger, not mere men
And ladies (hey), you get your clear skin!
No veil, no blurs, you'll worship our God
No sin, no end, till the Lord God
We wait, content, with Christ today,
We cry hard to give Him more tears to wipe away
It's waitin' music
Brand new,
Brand new,
Behold I'll make all things (Can't wait to see You)
Brand new, (Lord)
Brand new, (This rapper has one audience)
Behold I'll make all things brand new (In the midst of many, we glorify...Jesus.)
I am what I am, by the grace of God.
No comments:
Post a Comment