How Can You Be Full of Two Things?

John 1:14: "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth" (emphasis mine).

This verse has always completely thrown me off. Full of grace. And truth. I always thought that if you were full of one thing then there's no room for anything else. Right?

In steps Jesus. Full of grace and truth. How can this be? My little finite mind is blown. Mind-blowing things habitually happen when Jesus is involved, but I am supposed to mimic him. As a Christian ("little Christ"), I am supposed to be full of two things also.

Problem. I am an ENFP. Intuiting feeler. (Clueless about Myers Briggs geek-ery? Stay with me.) I've been told that my inner two letters make me an all or nothing person. What does this mean? If I'm in, I'm all in. If I'm out, I'm all out. I CANNOT do things half-heartedly. [There ya go, Mama. Here's why I either failed the class OR made an A.]

And I think that Jesus followers naturally tend to swing to one side or the other. The prophet, exhortation, justice types are truth tellers. That's their gifted-ness. That's their sway. That's how they roll. Truth.

The mercy, feeling, song-singing types are grace, grace all day long.

I am sort of having an identity crisis. Jesus was both. Full of both.

I was privileged to walk with a very truth-oriented community for four years. Man, did God use this group (www.savannahnavs.com) to shift my paradigms and totally transform my life. We did it big. We hooked. We jabbed for the Kingdom of God. But life was totally simple back then. [I thought it was really hard ... because we all think that our life is really hard during the season that we're in. These words are not to diminish the toughness of the college course load. Forgive me, it's just that now I know how hard it is to be a mother.] All I had to worry about was earning money to feed myself, pay my rent, and I had to pass my classes.

Then I got pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, I remember saying to the girls who I was discipling, "I'll be available until June," or, "I'll be around 'till my life is over." I didn't know then how true the latter sentiment was [as I sit home today nursing my sick child, missing out on a ministry-related meeting].

Two months after John was born, we moved to become a part of a new community. Doing a very different type of ministry. Gone was the fast pace with the single girls. Gone was anything that even faintly resembled ministry in my mind. I had a tiny baby who refused to latch and refused to grow. I was totally out of my element. Out of my comfort zone. [Being the one thing that I'd known I wanted to be my whole life: Mama. Ironic, huh?] I began to rely on the promise found in 2 Corinthians 12:9: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you; for my power is made perfect in weakness' ..." God also gave me this promise for my new role as a mother: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). Motherhood was hard, y'all.

Then something began to happen. Grace started to creep in on me. I didn't want it to. You see, I had become this well-intentioned, truth-telling, semi-judgmental, work-in-your-own-strength Christian (give me grace, y'all?). But now I was just a new Mama who needed a lot of grace. I could not do it. I sincerely believe that God allowed me to birth this bundle of terror JOY to teach me how to be full of grace.

Okay, so here's the problem. Now I've got the grace part down. How can I also be full of truth? (Remember, I'm all or nothing Ashley.) Well, last night a dream of mine came true. I got to see the entire 116 Clique in concert. For those of you who don't know, they're Christian rappers (yes, Mama LOVES, love, LOVES, loves rap music ... I replaced T.I. with these fellas) whose mantra is Romans 1:16: "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes ..." These men live their lives unashamed of Christ and the Good News that He brings (which for me and you is GRACE undeserved). Admittedly, I sang a couple of lines with Andy Mineo, knew a couple of Pro's Derek Minor's songs (Hubby's favorite). I've posted KB's "Brand New" on the blog before; I had my hands in the sky for that one. Tedashii & Trip Lee were responsible for a couple of my favorite moments of the night. But. Lecrae. Lecrae is my main rapper. Hear me now, I am not here to celebrate a man. Lecrae is human. Talented, but human. He is nothing compared to God, but he is someone who God has used so mightily in my life to fire me up for the Kingdom of God. Rehab (Lecrae album) rehabilitated me while I was old preggo with no energy. Church Clothes is my 16-month-old son's favorite song to this day. [I secretly okay, not so secretly would LOVE it if John became a rapper. We've already been practicing beatboxing together. "Boots." "Cuts." :)]

Anyway, I bring up Lecrae because #1 you should check out his music, and #2 he reminds me of Jesus in that his lyrics are full of grace and truth. I do not have it figured out yet ... how to be full of two things. I know that there were moments when Jesus had compassion on the crowds because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd and there were moments when he turned over the tables of the greedy selling in the temple courts. In both of those situations, I believe that Jesus was full to the brim of both grace and truth (even though we [in our small minds] think compassion =grace, righteous anger = truth). I do have a hypothesis about the matter, though. [Don't hate. We watch a lot of Buddy on Dinosaur Train. I have big plans to be a dinosaur expert by the time the Beam children outgrow PBS. Did I mention that ENFP is also the ADD personality type?]

My hypothesis is this: As we mature, God gives us more of His nature. Case in point, I was a truth teller. My spiritual parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles were truth tellers, so naturally. But then, I grew up and moved down the street from some grace givers (at the very time I recognized my needs for God's grace the most ... perfect timing ... that's my God!). God has now given me the ability to see my need (and others' needs) for grace and truth. God has also given me His Spirit. Now I believe that the Holy Spirit counsels me in day-to-day life. He is with me, in me, around me. He is the mobile God. (How cool, right?) So, it makes sense to me that the Holy Spirit can give me the mind of Christ in every situation and help me to be full of both grace and truth.

So, there you have it. Part of my journey that may have you pulling your hair out right now. [What the hay bales did I just read?] It's important though, peeps. God has left us here to point people to Jesus, who was full of grace and truth. Father, may we as your people, understand/accept/live out/be full to the brim of your grace and truth. In Jesus' Name. Amen.