The Grandpa Series: Part Five: The Nickname

"Ash-Ma!"

I can hear him saying it. Yep, my Pa named my blog. 

See, when I first had John [blah, blah, blah ... new motherhood with a baby who refuses to eat is hard. We get it, Ashley.] Okay, I'll put it to you like this ... I CRASH landed into motherhood. Some people gracefully land. Not me. It was hard. It was something that I honestly could not muscle my way through in my own strength. (Still is. Extremely demanding job, grace of God daily required.) My Pa watched me adjust. He knew that I was struggling. He wanted to validate me. He wanted me to hear from him that he saw me, that he knew that I was doing my best (even though my best wasn't good enough). He wanted me to hear that he was proud of me.

He didn't articulate any of his aforementioned thoughts directly to me. He simply started calling me Ash-Ma (played off of my longtime nickname, Ash-Mo). And every time I heard him call me Ash-Ma, he communicated his love for me.

That's why I'm so glad I named my blog Ash-Ma Beam - every time I come to this blog, I think of him. I remember his unique way of communicating love (or something like it) to people through their nicknames.

Thanks for letting me continue writing about him. I miss him. My mama sent John a book (-a) with family pictures so that he'll start saying everyone's names (especially Meme). My Pa's picture is in there twice. John says Pa perfectly, and I just don't know what to do with that. It's so hard to know that I can't share my son with my grandpa anymore. Breaks. My. Heart.

I am excited to share John with my grandma, though. (John says Ma perfectly too. Smart kid.) I think that my Pa would want me to help fill the void that he's left in her life. Pa's chair remains empty. It's our job to fill it. Even from afar. I can't wait to get to her in December and fill her life (and likely Pa's chair) with craziness. But for now the telephone will have to do.

1 Timothy 5:4: But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

Who will sit in Pa's chair? Ash-Ma will.