Journey to Healing

So, the blog has been a little quiet. I have been living my usual - ya know, trying to get through the day as best I can - life.

Yes, and for a while now, I have been wondering why I have been living without the joy & victory that Jesus promised.

Welp, in my God's usual fashion, when I start asking, He starts answering.

My newest nephew, Hudson Bee, was born almost 3 months ago. {He is already over 18 pounds!!! Wowzers!! I cannot wait to squeeze his chubbiness in 23 days.} When Hudson was born, God blessed me with the opportunity to go to Georgia and meet him in person. See?

That trip was just really, really hard for me because it was then that I realized that I, Ashley Beam am a chronic people pleaser. [I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PEOPLE PLEASER BECAUSE EVERYONE STRUGGLES WITH PEOPLE PLEASING, and I, well, I always want to be different from everyone. Sigh.] So, parenthood is the quickest way ever to expose one's addiction to the approval of others. See, parenthood is my most important job to date, and I want to do everything right {which I definitely don't} and I want everyone to think that I'm doing everything right as a parent {which everyone definitely doesn't/NEVER will}. So, on this trip, as I beat myself up the entire time because I felt like I wasn't living up to anyone's expectations, I realized that I have a problem. I was looking for man's approval {which is eternally meaningless} and not God's.

As I realized this problem {during a rare car ride alone}, God brought to mind a dear older woman who lives/ministers in Jesus's name in the Detroit area. He clearly told me that He wanted me to start spending time with her to learn to listen to Him that I might find healing and wholeness.

So, I emailed her. I told her some very personal things about my past and my growing-up life, as well as some things that God revealed to me through reading his written Word (the Bible) that were very personal to my situation & the wounds that I have as a sin-cursed girl raised up in a sin-cursed world. Her response?

"Awesome is what I say about your willingness to share your heart. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I would LOVE to have the honor of getting to know you."

Thank you, Father. I am so blessed to have women in my life who help me walk more closely with You.

L & I have been meeting together for over a month now. We have been reading through a fabulous book on inner-healing together. {Email/facebook me if you'd like to know specifics about the book.} We're jumping around in it as the Spirit leads. We're also spending time listening to God together. And God is speaking.

He has shared with me that I don't know how to/have not allowed myself to experience His love. Because I was unable to experience love from a key figure in my life, I just decided in my head that this person loved me (even though I seldom felt his/her love). I assumed the same pattern in my relationship with God. I decided in my head that God loves me {which is TOTALLY true; Head, keep believing that He loves you! He does!}, but I've seldom been able to experience God's love. Hopefully, God will continue to reveal the roots of why I have been unable/afraid to experience His love in my daily life.


Ephesians 3:17-19: so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. {Currently praying these verses over my life. Man oh man, how I desire this!}

I also sense that because I rarely experience God's love that I often minister out of what I myself can muster, rather than leaning on the strength that God gives. [Could this be why it's so hard for me to visit with the friends God has given me?] I want to give/share/visit/love out of the overflow of love that I experience from my God.

I know that God is with me. Always. I do not doubt His love for me. Even though I oft can't feel it.

I know that I gots issues. That, and God loves me enough to meet me in the midst of them. He is ready & willing to get me to the point of wholeness (in Christ) where I can fully experience Him, where I can comprehend the breadth & length & height & depth of His love, where I can know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge.

And I'll keep you posted through it all. I've got a long way to go, peeps. But I trust. Jesus is gonna get me there.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. - Psalm 63:3 {Father, may I know this love that is better than life. In Jesus's name.}

In other news, the usually bushy eyebrow girl was brave, brave, brave & got her eyebrows threaded last week. Check out this sorta awkward picture that I took of myself this Thanksgiving. I think I like the new brows, just not sure if I want to be made fun of again by thread-er lady for crying. Haha.

Thanks for reading.

Love y'all,
Ash