#31Days: Who Am I?

October 1: Will the Real Ashley Beam Please Show Up?
October 2: Delightful
October 3: Secure & Thankful
October 4: Weak
October 5: Seen
October 6: Victim
October 7: Hard Day
October 8: If our God is for us ...
October 9: Children
October 10: Parenthood
October 11: At the End of Spent, Love
October 12: Blank White Screen
October 13: Fully Known and Never Alone
October 14: Identity Schmidentity
October 15: {crickets}
October 16: Grace Like Rain
Oh, y'all. Welcome. You are so welcome here - especially during these next 31 days.

I, Ashley Beam, the one who rarely bloggeth, will be writing everyday during the month of October (Inshallah//Lord willing.)

31 days. Ash, that's a lot.
You're right. And I'm so not full of words.
I just returned to normal life from this little conference. I am kinda tired.
I don't really have many words to offer. But I'm longing for them.
Moreover, I'm longing to be filled.

I am linking up this little (BIG) series with the nester. Apparently bloggers do this every year. (Am I a blogger?)

I am so excited about this series that I literally Do. Not. Care. if anyone reads it.
All this writing is basically cheap therapy for me. I am blessed if anyone reads it.

Here's the simple of it. I am blogging all about myself. (Per usual.)
Here's the beauty of it. I am also blogging all about you (if you're in Christ).

Without further adieu, my topic this year (my first year writing like a madwoman) is ...
Who am I? 
Finding my identity in Jesus. 

Let me give you some background.
God has been messing me up, y'all. A lot.
You know this is true if it's not your first time reading this space here.
If you need to be caught up, read here, here, and here.
This year I have been a wreck.
I have questioned like everything, everything about myself.
My personality. My gifts. My tastes. My friends. My marriage. My mommy methods. Everything.
And I have come out on the other side with my Father still holding me fast. Tight. Close. Holding me now.

I wish that I had experienced God's grace in this way sooner. I wish that I didn't live so many days with fear and doubt and anxiety and depression and so so many unmet needs.

However, I am so insanely thankful for the beauty emerging from the ashes this year. He is faithful!
I used to (like last week and I'll probably struggle tomorrow) think (though I knew better in my brain, I still felt this way in my heart) that I had to perform for God. I thought that I was putting on a show that He (being a good Father, He at least) showed up to; I would dance (because I can't sing) aka live my life of sacrifice and service before Him and He would either approve or disapprove of me. My worth and my identity have been found in this supposed approval or disapproval for far too long.

Of course, this varying approval/disapproval never came from God. It came from my own thoughts about me. It came from others' perceived thoughts about me. To be sure, God's thoughts had nothing to do with this.

The communities of faith that I was involved in also cemented this thinking in me (NOT not NOT their fault. Wonderful people. Wonderful vision. Screwed-up girl. Also, God was with me the ENTIRE time creating in me a need for Him. He's good.) They asked me questions like: "Ashley, have your shared your faith story this week?" and "Ashley, where's your girl you're investing your life in?" and "Ashley, did you spend at least 3 hours studying the Bible this week?"

It sounded to me like I needed to continue performing. No time to slow down and experience God's love and tender mercy and grace. I only read about this stuff and memorized it; I rarely experienced love & grace & mercy in my own heart and life.

Well, when you become a mom and move a 16-hour car drive away from all you've ever known and loved, the ish has its way of hitting the fan.

I was coming undone.
And in 2013, I was completely undone.
God had uncovered and laid wide open my heart.

I was completely known by Him. (Duh. But this time, I recognized my vulnerable state before His throne of grace.)

I was completely known and He started speaking truth. (More on all of these later.)
Ashley, I get you.
Ashley, you are effective.
Ashley, you are a crown of beauty.
Ashley, my delight is in you.
Ashley, you are named victorious king.

What the what?!? How does God say/think these things toward little/crazy/jacked-up me?
Great question, Ashley.
You are no longer just Ashley. You are Ashley (or victorious king - more on this, I promise) hidden with Christ. You are in Christ. You are brand new.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
(2 Corinthians 5:17)
Do we even grasp what that is saying? All of those years of striving. The new creation was already there. Christ already formed in me. Literally when God looked at me in 1998 (awkward middle school girl who couldn't cope with her parents' divorce), He saw Jesus. Again in 2001(when non-awkward husband was graduating high school, I was a very insecure ninth grade Ashley who still could not cope with life), God looked at me and saw His perfect Son. In 2006 when I failed out of college, Jesus. In 2008 when I made the Dean's List, Jesus. In 2009 as a 23-year-old bride, Jesus. In 2011, a scared new mother, Jesus. In 2013 - Lord, have mercy on me a screwed up sinner & by the way, I just wanna walk with you - Jesus!

He never left. I am not more Jesus-y in 2013 than I was in 1998. As an eloquent fellow Jesus person put it a couple of days ago at the Influence Conference, "The building is done!"

The building was done in 1998. It remains done. It didn't get any done-r, y'all. When God sees me, He sees newness. It. Is. Here.
He sees perfection. He sees Jesus.

Listen, people, I am not defined by my past. I am not a habitual liar. I am not a child of divorce. I am not one who struggles with anxiety or depression. These things have passed away. Dead. I am in Christ. Hidden in Him. Covered by His righteousness. Drowning in His love-presence.
(**Yes, of course these real world things plague me, but the beauty is that God uses them. They do not use me. Hallelujah.**)

You guys are troopers to read all the words. But aren't they good ones? I hope that you will keep coming back this month as I preach to Ashley who she is. Feel free to insert your name. If you belong to Jesus, this is all true of you as well.

{I also wanted to share 2 Corinthians 5:17 today because of a little song I've been listening to on repeat since Influence.}

This is gonna be fun.

Influence So Far ...

There are times in my life when I am completely certain of what I am doing.

I pull an almost transparent brown comb through soaking wet hair. It almost looks manageable. It deceives. I am aware of the hair that I tend. If I lend even ten minutes of drying time, it is ruined. I am ruined. I know that I must put hairspray in this effortlessly wild hair before I pull it back (while still damp) to avoid lumps, and to avoid an above average arm workout. Clearly I am no over achiever when it comes to hair. I shake the mousse bottle, listen to the grotesque gurgling sound as it reaches my hand. Run fingers through my hair. Ick. I wash my hands and hear the Dinosaur Train theme song.

My hair is not science. It's been long and I've been pulling it back since age twelve when I started fixing my own. Though wild, my hair is tamed by me.

I know what I'm doing.

This is not a hair moment.

Thursday - arriving by the skin of my teeth (after not peeing, drinking, or eating dinner) - I entered a room of a bajillion women. I am thankful that I will enter that same room tomorrow.

100% of these women are way more stylish than me. (I say that from a place of victory. Style is not a big goal of mine, though I do try because I like my job.)

{Okay, one minute for a funny story. The final time that I peed on Thursday was at hubby's school [the car trade]. I was overjoyed to meet my husband's co-worker [a female science-y comrade of his]. Okay, okay, I did try to turn on a little bit of the cuteness factor on Thursday. I pulled out all the tricks I know. The colored red (duh) jeans. My little brown boots. Layering tops. [Let it be known: I died of heat exhaustion. Hubby's air conditioner is out in his car.] And what did this dear woman say about the semi-maybe-a-little-bit-stylish-looking-Ashley? She said, and I quote: "Your wife is so put together." [Moment of silence. This may never happen again in my life. End moment of silence.] And how, you ask, did my husband respond? Great question. He laughed! Can you believe the nerve?! Husband, this was the moment to say, "My wife is amazing." or "Yep, she balances everything so well." or "Isn't she beautiful?!" But no. He laughed. I'm kind of glad that he did though because this woman replied, "So, she's just a typical mom, huh." Yes ma'am; I am.}

But let's get back to the point of this post. I am very, very out of my element. Not only because I sometimes get behind on laundry and wear my stylicious red denim with a hot pink Minnie Mouse shirt (you go girl) and my pink tennies. No, I am out of my element because I am at a conference meant for women with real influence online.

I am just a typical mom of a two-year-old whose blog is read by Mama and maybe a few people she grew up with. I have been asking myself this question all weekend: Why am I here?

The easy answer to this question is that I'm here with Rebecca. But that's not true. She didn't ask me to come (though she's happy I'm here), and I told her before I left that I would not ride her coattails. I am a big girl. I get my energy from people and parties and groups and interaction. So, I admitted that I was coming here for some other purpose entirely.

And can I just be brutally honest? Being here was a financial sacrifice. It shouldn't be, but Josh and I have had many unexpected expenses this month because we're grown-ups. We have cars and they break. This isn't a sob story; it's just the way the world works, but these unexpected things have caused me to wonder if I made a big mistake in coming to Influence.

I've heard a resounding NO from the Lord during my time here. No, Ashley, it is not a mistake that you're here. I have heard a few other things (mostly through other people), and tonight my tiny little .blogspot space is where I'm processing it all. And though I'm sort of allergic to lists (more of a paragraph girl), I give you ...

What I've Learned at Influence (so far):

• I learned that I cannot go any longer than one night without my baby. I was a mess. (He was totally fine, of course.) I absolutely adore John Beam. I absolutely do not adore being away from him for 24+ hours.
• I have been affirmed in my healing journey, scouting out lies and seeking truth in the wounded places. Since I live in a broken world, I have many such places. 
• I have been affirmed in my quest to know/review/obsess over/analyze/drink in my identity in Christ. In my quiet time with the Lord this morning, He called me friend (Matthew 20:13). It's been that kind of day, friends. 
• I was most looking forward to meeting this wonderful woman during my time here, and this morning I was a big, brave girl. I approached her, and I spent a solid hour gleaning wisdom from her words this afternoon. I learned that my writing is important. I, however, need to know my purpose for writing, which I sense myself coming by slowly. I am loving this, Lord. Jesus, speak. 
• I have a revived sense of purpose in reading good good writing. (I used to read good good writing all the time. I used to be a better writer.) I have been compiling a must-read list. (I'll be busy for awhile.)
• I was reminded how wonderful my friends are. One of my best friends is really seen. She's on the scene. She's changing the world one custom bag at a time. Her message tonight was true and honorable and just and pure and lovely and commendable, done with excellence and worthy of much praise (to God be the glory! {Philippians 4:8}). I am so insanely proud of her. My other best friend goes unseen at this conference. She is home. She kept both mine and Rebecca's babies today (along with her own + one in her belly + she is moving into her new home this weekend without our help). She is a doer. She works with willing hands. Strength and dignity are her clothing. She looks well to the ways of her household, and she does not (believe this) eat the bread of idleness (see Proverbs 31). I love you, Mandy; I am extraordinarily grateful to be your friend. Grace. 
• I learned that it's not really that difficult to meet new opportunities. Sometimes you just have to smile, shake hands and say hello. 

There's this long list of things (and that's not all), but I'm still not completely sure of why I'm here. Know this, I love this .blogspot space, and there is a fresh tendering in my heart towards it this weekend.

Finally, it has been so surreal to see all the Better Life Bags that I cut and prayed over. (Some of them may have even been cried over around last Christmas season.) The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.

She

She was the hero. Once a woman, then a mother, then a legend. Always a princess full of grace. She was Sarah.

She is the bear. She raises her voice without talking. She has an opinion. She tells the truth. There are cracks, showing themselves now. She listened on the phone while granddaughter was at his house.

She is the lamb. She laid down her life. Three babies grew in her womb. One was  not to be. The other two were she. She pried. She pursued. She still will not let go.

She is beautiful. A little dingy. A little stressful. She is my favorite since always. No one will understand the way she gets me. I opened her mother's heart.

She is the one who is becoming. She is smart. She is unsure. She is changing. Oh, she makes me proud.

She is the one and only. Sister and sister and sister. Friend and friend and friend. Defender. Comforter. Partner. Champion. Advocate. Cheerleader. Friend. Sister. She is. She is my love.

She is the other bookend. A girl just like me. And I am letting her go. She is a very young woman. She trusts. She is humble. She is Yours.

He took my hand. He, full of grace. He raises his voice without talking. He will not let go. No one will understand the way he gets me. He makes me proud. He is the one and only, my love. He is Yours.

For though she raised me. Me and he are the way You meant it to be.
Me + he = little he. And now he is the best of she.

Hi, #InfluenceConf; I'm Ashley

Welp. I, Ashley S.W. Beam (the one who rarely bloggeth), I am going to the Influence Conference with other bloggers come two weeks from now. 

Anyone who is visiting my little piece of the Internet world for the first time, know this: ENFP. 

These four letters are the reason why I'm JUST. NOW. linking up. 

Also the reason why there is very little fear in me as I ferociously type these words. I am 80% extrovert, always home with a two-year-old. I canNOT wait to tear up this conference.  

Without further adieu ... 

Two things I will pack in my (Better Life) bag (Did I forget to mention that I work for Rebecca?):

1. Sharpie pens in all different colors. Amen.

2. My ninny (nursing) cover. (Two-year-old John aka ninny monster=extended breastfeeder + hubby=babysitter will be around. Thank God for them!)

Two things I'm most looking forward to:

1. Getting poured into on a heart level. (Really pumped to meet this lady.)

2. Encouraging others. 

Can't wait to see y'all there. 

Sweet Bee

There is a certain rhyme to how/what I pray for my son. 

When he was born, I felt completely overwhelmed with him. And as he's grown, I've felt overwhelmed with what to pray. 

This person. Josh and I are meant to shepherd. We know him better and love him more than almost anyOne else. We are equipped to pray. 

And so I was reading this book called Desperate a few months back, and the writers recommended choosing five ways in which I want to leave a legacy to my child(ren). My list became my daily prayer pattern for my John. 

I was asking God how He wanted me to pray for my (three marvelous) nephews a few nights ago, and He revealed that I should pray for them the same as John. I agreed. I want to love people (nephews, co-workers, neighbors, parents) with the same strength that I love my son. 

So, Mason & Jack, I've been praying this legacy into you as well. 

But today is Bee day. All. About. Hudson. 

The big baby we said hello to one year ago today. 

A doesn't get you like she does your brother. Yet. 

Sometimes life is mean and she lives too far away. 

But Bee, your A loves you. Oh, your A prays for you.

My warrior prince. You are cherished from afar. 

A misses you everyday. 

(My prayer for my trip in October is that I fully bond with YOU, my favorite fatty nephew ;)

And so, H-Bee, for your birthday, I dedicate this space to pray. It is my highest privilege to approach the throne with boldness on your behalf, precious. I adore you. 

Dear Father, 

I adore you. 

Your Father heart is so apparent as I've walked through life today. Thank you that You are to me what no one else can be. Thank you that as I hold Hudson, I know that You are to him as well. We pale in comparison to You & Your heart for sweet Bee. Thank You that You understand my boy. You. Get. Him. A, Mama, Daddy, Meme, Bubba, cousin John will NEVER understand Bee like you do. We will never minister to him like you do. 

Father, give us wisdom to love Bee boy and point him to You. 

Father, please draw Hudson to Jesus now, as he sleeps. I ask this in Jesus's powerful Name. 

Save his life from the pit. From himself. From the snares of the Enemy. By the powerful blood of Jesus.

Father, I pray for Hudson, that you would begin even now giving him a heart for people. We cannot obey you if we do not love our brothers. I pray that you'd begin helping Hudson love others by stopping his little hands from hitting. Please help him to obey his mommy and daddy in this. 

I pray that Hudson would love his brother well, and as he grows (and visits Detroit) and meets more people that you would give him a desire for relationships with others. Father, may he be a baby->man who considers others better than himself. Father, may he not consider people as an inconvenience or interruption. But may he sees as Jesus does. People are made beautiful in your image and to glorify You. Then, Father, may He respond to people appropriately. Give him compassion. Eyes to see needs. Availability. Stuff he's good at to give. And a heart full of love. Love for the people in your world.

Father, make Hudson low. Humble him under your mighty hand. May he know his place and submit to authority. Father, give him opportunity to work hard in what is another man's before you let him come into his own. And yes, Father, lift him up in due time. 

Father, make Hudson gracious. May his own hardships - all the times he gets knocked down - lead him to walk a bit lighter around others who have weaknesses, others who are insulted, others who face persecutions. ALLOW HIM THE GRACE OF EXPERIENCING YOUR GRACE. Nothing. Like. It. In. All. The. World. 

Please, please, please do not give us a religious (judge-y) boy like the Pharisees. Father, may Hudson be real - complete in You, Jesus, with a humble & gracious spirit. 

Father, may my Bee depend on you in everything. I don't really care what his Myers-Briggs preferences are, if only he trusts you. 

I don't want him to believe in you only. Because, Jesus, even demons believe. I don't want him to just understand that you're real. No, Father, I pray that Hudson experiences you and your love and your provision and hears your voice on a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment basis. 

Take my boy on an adventure of faith. In Jesus's Name. 

Father, please help Bee to live wholeheartedly and to live honestly. 

First of all, Father, whether he is riding four-wheelers (PROTECT HIM) or preaching the Word, may he live wholly. Wholly devoted to you and with passion & excellence in whatever he does, Father. 

And Lord, may he really be who he says he is. May he really do what he says he does. And may all his being and doing point the world CLEARLY to Jesus, the Lord. 

Finally, my prayer mantra over Hudson: 

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force. (Matthew 11:12)

Father, may Bee be a man of violence for your kingdom, exerting all the energy and zeal given by You. Use my boy. He's here for You, Father. 

Thank you for our gift, one-year-old. 

I give him to you in Jesus's name.