#31Days: Who Am I?

October 1: Will the Real Ashley Beam Please Show Up?
October 2: Delightful
October 3: Secure & Thankful
October 4: Weak
October 5: Seen
October 6: Victim
October 7: Hard Day
October 8: If our God is for us ...
October 9: Children
October 10: Parenthood
October 11: At the End of Spent, Love
October 12: Blank White Screen
October 13: Fully Known and Never Alone
October 14: Identity Schmidentity
October 15: {crickets}
October 16: Grace Like Rain
Oh, y'all. Welcome. You are so welcome here - especially during these next 31 days.

I, Ashley Beam, the one who rarely bloggeth, will be writing everyday during the month of October (Inshallah//Lord willing.)

31 days. Ash, that's a lot.
You're right. And I'm so not full of words.
I just returned to normal life from this little conference. I am kinda tired.
I don't really have many words to offer. But I'm longing for them.
Moreover, I'm longing to be filled.

I am linking up this little (BIG) series with the nester. Apparently bloggers do this every year. (Am I a blogger?)

I am so excited about this series that I literally Do. Not. Care. if anyone reads it.
All this writing is basically cheap therapy for me. I am blessed if anyone reads it.

Here's the simple of it. I am blogging all about myself. (Per usual.)
Here's the beauty of it. I am also blogging all about you (if you're in Christ).

Without further adieu, my topic this year (my first year writing like a madwoman) is ...
Who am I? 
Finding my identity in Jesus. 

Let me give you some background.
God has been messing me up, y'all. A lot.
You know this is true if it's not your first time reading this space here.
If you need to be caught up, read here, here, and here.
This year I have been a wreck.
I have questioned like everything, everything about myself.
My personality. My gifts. My tastes. My friends. My marriage. My mommy methods. Everything.
And I have come out on the other side with my Father still holding me fast. Tight. Close. Holding me now.

I wish that I had experienced God's grace in this way sooner. I wish that I didn't live so many days with fear and doubt and anxiety and depression and so so many unmet needs.

However, I am so insanely thankful for the beauty emerging from the ashes this year. He is faithful!
I used to (like last week and I'll probably struggle tomorrow) think (though I knew better in my brain, I still felt this way in my heart) that I had to perform for God. I thought that I was putting on a show that He (being a good Father, He at least) showed up to; I would dance (because I can't sing) aka live my life of sacrifice and service before Him and He would either approve or disapprove of me. My worth and my identity have been found in this supposed approval or disapproval for far too long.

Of course, this varying approval/disapproval never came from God. It came from my own thoughts about me. It came from others' perceived thoughts about me. To be sure, God's thoughts had nothing to do with this.

The communities of faith that I was involved in also cemented this thinking in me (NOT not NOT their fault. Wonderful people. Wonderful vision. Screwed-up girl. Also, God was with me the ENTIRE time creating in me a need for Him. He's good.) They asked me questions like: "Ashley, have your shared your faith story this week?" and "Ashley, where's your girl you're investing your life in?" and "Ashley, did you spend at least 3 hours studying the Bible this week?"

It sounded to me like I needed to continue performing. No time to slow down and experience God's love and tender mercy and grace. I only read about this stuff and memorized it; I rarely experienced love & grace & mercy in my own heart and life.

Well, when you become a mom and move a 16-hour car drive away from all you've ever known and loved, the ish has its way of hitting the fan.

I was coming undone.
And in 2013, I was completely undone.
God had uncovered and laid wide open my heart.

I was completely known by Him. (Duh. But this time, I recognized my vulnerable state before His throne of grace.)

I was completely known and He started speaking truth. (More on all of these later.)
Ashley, I get you.
Ashley, you are effective.
Ashley, you are a crown of beauty.
Ashley, my delight is in you.
Ashley, you are named victorious king.

What the what?!? How does God say/think these things toward little/crazy/jacked-up me?
Great question, Ashley.
You are no longer just Ashley. You are Ashley (or victorious king - more on this, I promise) hidden with Christ. You are in Christ. You are brand new.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
(2 Corinthians 5:17)
Do we even grasp what that is saying? All of those years of striving. The new creation was already there. Christ already formed in me. Literally when God looked at me in 1998 (awkward middle school girl who couldn't cope with her parents' divorce), He saw Jesus. Again in 2001(when non-awkward husband was graduating high school, I was a very insecure ninth grade Ashley who still could not cope with life), God looked at me and saw His perfect Son. In 2006 when I failed out of college, Jesus. In 2008 when I made the Dean's List, Jesus. In 2009 as a 23-year-old bride, Jesus. In 2011, a scared new mother, Jesus. In 2013 - Lord, have mercy on me a screwed up sinner & by the way, I just wanna walk with you - Jesus!

He never left. I am not more Jesus-y in 2013 than I was in 1998. As an eloquent fellow Jesus person put it a couple of days ago at the Influence Conference, "The building is done!"

The building was done in 1998. It remains done. It didn't get any done-r, y'all. When God sees me, He sees newness. It. Is. Here.
He sees perfection. He sees Jesus.

Listen, people, I am not defined by my past. I am not a habitual liar. I am not a child of divorce. I am not one who struggles with anxiety or depression. These things have passed away. Dead. I am in Christ. Hidden in Him. Covered by His righteousness. Drowning in His love-presence.
(**Yes, of course these real world things plague me, but the beauty is that God uses them. They do not use me. Hallelujah.**)

You guys are troopers to read all the words. But aren't they good ones? I hope that you will keep coming back this month as I preach to Ashley who she is. Feel free to insert your name. If you belong to Jesus, this is all true of you as well.

{I also wanted to share 2 Corinthians 5:17 today because of a little song I've been listening to on repeat since Influence.}

This is gonna be fun.