Influence So Far ...

There are times in my life when I am completely certain of what I am doing.

I pull an almost transparent brown comb through soaking wet hair. It almost looks manageable. It deceives. I am aware of the hair that I tend. If I lend even ten minutes of drying time, it is ruined. I am ruined. I know that I must put hairspray in this effortlessly wild hair before I pull it back (while still damp) to avoid lumps, and to avoid an above average arm workout. Clearly I am no over achiever when it comes to hair. I shake the mousse bottle, listen to the grotesque gurgling sound as it reaches my hand. Run fingers through my hair. Ick. I wash my hands and hear the Dinosaur Train theme song.

My hair is not science. It's been long and I've been pulling it back since age twelve when I started fixing my own. Though wild, my hair is tamed by me.

I know what I'm doing.

This is not a hair moment.

Thursday - arriving by the skin of my teeth (after not peeing, drinking, or eating dinner) - I entered a room of a bajillion women. I am thankful that I will enter that same room tomorrow.

100% of these women are way more stylish than me. (I say that from a place of victory. Style is not a big goal of mine, though I do try because I like my job.)

{Okay, one minute for a funny story. The final time that I peed on Thursday was at hubby's school [the car trade]. I was overjoyed to meet my husband's co-worker [a female science-y comrade of his]. Okay, okay, I did try to turn on a little bit of the cuteness factor on Thursday. I pulled out all the tricks I know. The colored red (duh) jeans. My little brown boots. Layering tops. [Let it be known: I died of heat exhaustion. Hubby's air conditioner is out in his car.] And what did this dear woman say about the semi-maybe-a-little-bit-stylish-looking-Ashley? She said, and I quote: "Your wife is so put together." [Moment of silence. This may never happen again in my life. End moment of silence.] And how, you ask, did my husband respond? Great question. He laughed! Can you believe the nerve?! Husband, this was the moment to say, "My wife is amazing." or "Yep, she balances everything so well." or "Isn't she beautiful?!" But no. He laughed. I'm kind of glad that he did though because this woman replied, "So, she's just a typical mom, huh." Yes ma'am; I am.}

But let's get back to the point of this post. I am very, very out of my element. Not only because I sometimes get behind on laundry and wear my stylicious red denim with a hot pink Minnie Mouse shirt (you go girl) and my pink tennies. No, I am out of my element because I am at a conference meant for women with real influence online.

I am just a typical mom of a two-year-old whose blog is read by Mama and maybe a few people she grew up with. I have been asking myself this question all weekend: Why am I here?

The easy answer to this question is that I'm here with Rebecca. But that's not true. She didn't ask me to come (though she's happy I'm here), and I told her before I left that I would not ride her coattails. I am a big girl. I get my energy from people and parties and groups and interaction. So, I admitted that I was coming here for some other purpose entirely.

And can I just be brutally honest? Being here was a financial sacrifice. It shouldn't be, but Josh and I have had many unexpected expenses this month because we're grown-ups. We have cars and they break. This isn't a sob story; it's just the way the world works, but these unexpected things have caused me to wonder if I made a big mistake in coming to Influence.

I've heard a resounding NO from the Lord during my time here. No, Ashley, it is not a mistake that you're here. I have heard a few other things (mostly through other people), and tonight my tiny little .blogspot space is where I'm processing it all. And though I'm sort of allergic to lists (more of a paragraph girl), I give you ...

What I've Learned at Influence (so far):

• I learned that I cannot go any longer than one night without my baby. I was a mess. (He was totally fine, of course.) I absolutely adore John Beam. I absolutely do not adore being away from him for 24+ hours.
• I have been affirmed in my healing journey, scouting out lies and seeking truth in the wounded places. Since I live in a broken world, I have many such places. 
• I have been affirmed in my quest to know/review/obsess over/analyze/drink in my identity in Christ. In my quiet time with the Lord this morning, He called me friend (Matthew 20:13). It's been that kind of day, friends. 
• I was most looking forward to meeting this wonderful woman during my time here, and this morning I was a big, brave girl. I approached her, and I spent a solid hour gleaning wisdom from her words this afternoon. I learned that my writing is important. I, however, need to know my purpose for writing, which I sense myself coming by slowly. I am loving this, Lord. Jesus, speak. 
• I have a revived sense of purpose in reading good good writing. (I used to read good good writing all the time. I used to be a better writer.) I have been compiling a must-read list. (I'll be busy for awhile.)
• I was reminded how wonderful my friends are. One of my best friends is really seen. She's on the scene. She's changing the world one custom bag at a time. Her message tonight was true and honorable and just and pure and lovely and commendable, done with excellence and worthy of much praise (to God be the glory! {Philippians 4:8}). I am so insanely proud of her. My other best friend goes unseen at this conference. She is home. She kept both mine and Rebecca's babies today (along with her own + one in her belly + she is moving into her new home this weekend without our help). She is a doer. She works with willing hands. Strength and dignity are her clothing. She looks well to the ways of her household, and she does not (believe this) eat the bread of idleness (see Proverbs 31). I love you, Mandy; I am extraordinarily grateful to be your friend. Grace. 
• I learned that it's not really that difficult to meet new opportunities. Sometimes you just have to smile, shake hands and say hello. 

There's this long list of things (and that's not all), but I'm still not completely sure of why I'm here. Know this, I love this .blogspot space, and there is a fresh tendering in my heart towards it this weekend.

Finally, it has been so surreal to see all the Better Life Bags that I cut and prayed over. (Some of them may have even been cried over around last Christmas season.) The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.