#31Days: Fully Known and Never Alone

I may have mentioned a time or two that this week has been an adventure.
Yes.
My husband has assured me that I will be able to blog about its events in the future.
{He might even be the one to post about it.}

Also, this journey of writing my identity in Christ has been an adventure.
A glorious one.
I have found myself meditating on the truths about which I write during a week's time when I've been largely unable to sit at my Father's feet and listen to Him.
Writing it down has been a blessing to me.
The remainder of October will be busy, for sure.
I get to visit my family and throw a big you're-about-to-get-hitched party for my cousin, Mink.
I am excited for the whirlwind of it all.
But I am more excited to create some space for myself to process, to be encouraged, to sit at His feet, to reveal more of myself to my friends, and to write.
I hope to do this space something more like justice in the latter half of these 31 days.

But tonight I am here.
A little tired.
A little beat up.
But still His.

This week I have really craved processing time with my husband.
When weird things happen to me, I like have to talk about it.
Josh is the victim of all my talking. (Though sometimes John has to hear it. Poor baby.)
Have I ever told y'all that I am married to the most introverted man I know?
It's good. He balances me.
But he also gets anxious to meet new people.
He's sort of  okay very uncomfortable in large groups.
We speak of our leaving strategy before we head into an introvert-horrifying situation.
And while he's a great listener, the severest of introverts putters out before dear wifey is done with her processing aloud.
I am often left with a lot to say.
Sometimes this makes me feel misunderstood and alone.

Lies.

I believe with all my heart that Joshua Beam is the perfect husband for me.
Even and especially including our severe extrovert-introvert discrepancy.
God has joined us together, and you do not hear me complaining against my man today.
I am simply communicating the reality in which I live and experience God's grace.
You see, Josh is my person.
I can tell him anything.
He knows my deepest, darkest, scariest secrets.
He has walked through seasons of depression with me.
He walks through daily bouts of anxiety with me.
He lives with the mess. (Literally & figuratively.)
He knows me just about as well as anyone can.

Yet I long to be closer to him. 

I want him to know me better, understand me more.
And yes, while I know that we will likely grow closer during this fifth year of marriage,
And yes, while I know that this is a good desire, to become more unified with my man,
There is something about this desire that is reserved only for my Creator.

Very often Josh misunderstands me (and I him).
Very often we do leave each other alone in the trenches of life. (Be it for small windows of time, we still are oft outside of one another's presence.)
However, this sort of misunderstanding and separation never happens in my relationship with God.
Never.
I could not read my Bible for a year's time (though not recommended for life in the Spirit) and pick it up one year from now and God would meet me exactly where I am.
How?

"You have searched me, LORD, 
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD,
know it completely."
(Psalm 139:1-4)

God knows me completely.
This is a little scary when I think about my thought life and my quirks and all the time that I waste.
God sees it.
Even more than Josh does.
Even more than I do.

But before I begin thinking of God as a creepy stalker,
I think about how much I want to be known.
I want my husband to know me.
I long for my mama to understand me. Completely.
My personality is so multifaceted.
My emotions are mind-boggling (even to me).
I need to be understood.
There is only One who can fill that need.

Continuing on in Psalm 139,
"Where can I go from your Spirit? 
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, 
you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, 
you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn.
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, 
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,'
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, 
for darkness is as light to you."
Psalm 139:7-12

I cannot flee.
I cannot hide.
I cannot scare God away with my emotions.
He does not leave my house when it's too messy.
He is with me.
He is with me.
All of the time.

Who am I in Jesus?
I am fully known and never alone.

On weeks like this one (and every week), that's an actual life-altering truth.