#31Days: Weak

I used to avoid emotional breakdowns at all costs.

I didn't want to have them {though I did, ALL. THE. TIME}, I didn't want to be a party to them.
They made me feel bad about myself.
Like I wasn't put together. Like I had a need.

Partially, I was taught this. I live(d) in the South. Grew up there.
Don't you dare cry in church.
Sugarcoat. Pretend.
Acting is fun for awhile, but it soon catches you.
You're living a lie; you were never together.

Today I embrace emotional breakdowns.

I just had a mini one, actually. I was sitting in Starbucks. John woke up early from his nap in stroll-poll. {Thank you.} So I nursed him. Only, I was about to pee my pants. My water from lunch and my venti coffee had to find its way out.
Of course, John would not go back to sleep {#wakeyboo}, so I had to extract him from the ninny {wailing} and I had Bible, journal, 5 books, computer, iphone {all the things} to pack up.
Forget it. I said aloud, "If someone wants to steal it, they can have it; I gotta pee!"
Of course, two ladies sitting in very close proximity witnessed the breakdown and heard every word.
Relief.
Overwhelmed phone call to my husband. {Thank God my man is a bit steadier.}
Tears.
Labor breathing technique.
Pack up everything.
Buy John a cookie & a juice.
No more wailing.
Door.
Load car.
Off to run a BLB errand.

When I got into my car, I sang,
I need thee, O, I need thee ...
Every hour I need thee ...
Come bless me now, my Savior ...
I come to thee.

Need.
Emotional breakdowns are the driving force in my life.
They drive me back to God. They point out my need.

I used to go to Starbucks all the time (okay, right, I still do) and sit and read/study my Bible, write papers, eavesdrop (ENFP thang), meet people, etc. I used to go to Starbucks to do all the things, but I used to think that I had to have it all together. Appear attractive.

In fact, I used to approach my whole life in this way.
If I am not perfect, why would anyone want to be my friend?
If I do not display Jesus perfectly, why would anyone want to follow Him?

It's like I missed the whole point of the Gospel.
Okay, I did miss the whole point of the Gospel.

The good news is that Jesus meets me in the midst of my need.
In my emotional breakdown, He is strong.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (emphasis mine)

Who am I in Christ?
I am weak.
I have self-diagnosed myself with PMDD (PMS on steroids). Ask my husband. (The weak {pun intended} before my period, I am an emotional delight.)
I am prone to depression.
I have a YES problem. {Yes flies out of my mouth often. I hate the word no. Lord help me.}
I lose my temper with my son on the daily.
My body didn't know how to give birth.
My son didn't know how to breastfeed.
My parents divorced when I was nine, and I could. not. cope. {Still can't most days.}

Hear me, people. I boast about these things.
I cry in Starbucks.
I throw pillows.
(I have been known to squeeze my sister's arm really, really hard.)
I pray. (Sometimes my prayers sound like this: HHHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!)
And, oh man, do I ever cry wail in church.

I boast in weakness because that's the thing that keeps me (and others) wanting Jesus.
He is strong.
I boast in weakness because it makes me relate-able.
I am just like you.
No, you may not have self-diagnosed PMDD.
Yes, your parents may still be together.
But I know. And Lord knows He knows.
You are weak.
Yes, you make more money than me.
No, you don't stay home with the children you don't have.
But you're weak.
You're needy.

He's enough.
Please keep reading this series. I am preaching the Gospel to myself everyday.