There was nothing special about Thursday. We stayed home all day.
We stayed dirty. We watched tv, laptop open.
I nursed him at least twenty times.
We ate grilled cheese for lunch.
I bathed. He played.
He fell asleep on my chest. His hair is too long and it was sweaty.
I fell asleep too, too gone to feel the wonder lying on my chest. Too tired and cold to face this day.
I answered emails. He napped.
Daddy came home. And we're off.
We're off, and I am afraid.
I am afraid that after all day at home with this guy that I have spent not one quality second with him.
I am afraid that I am missing it. He is mine, but he's growing, and I don't know how. He won't be mine soon enough.
I am afraid that I am too caught up in other things. Like what's for lunch. Like being productive. Like taking a bath.
I am afraid that I will look back and wonder what happened during 2013. The year he soars past two.
I am afraid that I will regret the way I spent my days.
Oh, how I want to spend my days with him.
Oh, how I remember those days. I think what you did was exactly the best way to be with him. No need to regret, just love him with all you've got as his Mama. Your concern shows me what a great Mama you are.... big hugs to you.... I'm imagining you looking back at 2013 with a big smile on your face for all the wonder you uncovered with him, even and especially those moments when you napped together. Treasure them as best as you can. LOVE!
ReplyDeleteHugs right back to you! Thank you so much for the mama encouragement - I really needed it. :)
DeleteIt's so often the most simple routines and flow of life that lay down deep memories. The normal everyday love shown, the cuddles and naps, the comfort food, the way you breathe into his hair when you hold him or nurse. These are the good things. No guilt. The fact that you can see your day so clearly is a good sign it's not passing you by.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. I have been breathing into his hair an extra lot these last few days. :) Thank you! Blessings to you in Christ Jesus.
DeleteJust like Jesus tells us His mercies are new every morning - we need to give that to our mommy hearts too - and our children will as well! One day at a time! New Mercies!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! Thank you!
DeleteBreathe slow and deep every minute of it...not for worry of missing out, but for the high value you know it all to be...great reminders. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I have been mindful to take the slow & deep route lately. He is 20 months today, and you are right, all 20 of those months have been so valuable ... to his growth & my own. Blessings to you.
DeleteHello, I'm stopping in from Lisa Jo's FMF link up.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. Your words touch my heart. My little son is now 11, with hands and feet bigger than mine, and there are still days we spend together where at the end of the day, I find myself wondering "did I spend it with him?". The beautiful thing, is that I've discovered sometimes, he just wants to "be" with me. To fix lunch together. To sit side by side watching TV. Sometimes, he wants to read his book, just do it next to me. There are days that even when it doesn't feel like you "spent that time" with him, he knows you are there, and to him, it is still time well spent. :)
:) Thank you for the encouragement. I hope that my sweet boy still wants to be with me when he's 11.
DeleteThank you so much. Blessings to you!
ReplyDelete