Everyone keeps talking to me about how I should have a little girl. How they hope I have a little girl.
Not gonna lie, I would be over-the-moon thrilled if with Josh's first view of our precious newbie he got to announce proudly, "It's a girl!" However, there is a good chance that he will announce, "It's a boy!" and just like that, we'll have two of a kind.
Sometimes words fail.
While I would love to satisfy both sides of our family's vision of pink (would be the first girl in 21/26 years), I cannot pretend that there would be even a hint of gender disappointment if the birthday proved a vision of blue.
A boy named John entered my world during the summer of 2011. Until then, I didn't really like boys or attempt to understand them (though I was married to one). I had been very hurt by masculinity and it wasn't until I, Ashley Beam, aided God in bringing a heaping helping of masculinity into this world that I began to care about the male point of view.
And now? I am obsessed with my boy!
Ob-freaking-sessed.
He has provided me with something that no girl - no matter how cute or sweet - could ever provide. He has given me a tender heart toward that which I formerly despised. He has given me a heart for men. Man, men, masculine: I used to hate all of these words. I now dwell with them.
While John is compassionate and friendly and wicked smart, at the end of a long day, here we are: John hitting me in the face with a Dusty Crophopper plane. Hard. I cry and he comforts me. And we go round. Mama and boy. Woman and man-child.
I could never articulate the privilege it is to raise a son! Never. Not in a million years.
And while the world is out there wishing for girls (and y'all, don't misunderstand, I love girls. Girls were my whole world until May 28, 2009 - the day the nephew winning streak began.), I am over here like yelling, "I LOVE MY SON! I HAVE SUCH A HEART FOR HIM!" And, y'all, I don't ever want my heart toward him (and possibly his brother) to be misunderstood by anyone's wishful thinking for a girl.
Everyone wants me to have a girl. I get it. I really do.
In fact, I'd kinda like a girl for me too.
But - in the same breath - I'd kinda like a boy.
Just wanted to write this to say a sweet thank you to my son for being, well, the greatest son ever. May he always know that he forever changed my heart toward half of the population of planet Earth. You, John Ash, are a big deal. I love you.
I also wanted to write this for John's brother or sister. It will be apparent when you get here how wanted you are - boy or girl. The gender question is just really in my face right now. You see, I could find out if you are a boy or girl tomorrow. But I'm not gonna. I'd like all possibilities to remain until your birthday. I'd also like my reward for a successful VBAC or my second successful c-section to be the epic surprise of you. Until then, however, I live with this inevitable girl pressure and this surprising boy love.
If you are, in fact, John's sister. Well, I adore you, miss. I fully expect that you will act like a certain tomboy I know named Calley. I also intend to give you the most perfectly polished and girlishly enduring name I know. Sarah. Sarah is princess. And whether you behave as Cinderella or Merida, you will be mine. I intend to invite you into every aspect of my life. I will nurse you at my breasts and, God willing, in two or three decades, aid you as you do the same for your young. I will share my friends with you that you may learn the beauty of relationship, the power of words, and the necessity of community. I pray that this sharing may be reciprocal, and mostly, that the deepest friendship of mine will be formed within the sharing. Sarah, I will show you what it means to be a wife to a good man. You will show me what it means to be a sister to a good brother. (I only know what I know: being sister to a wild good sister.) I will learn with you and your brother to keep a house. Mostly, I will show you what it means for your deepest and highest and widest and proudest calling to be your investment in the little disciples the LORD has given. (I have already begun praying for you that if you are, in fact, a girl that God would instill deeply in your being the heart of a mother. I started praying the same but opposite for your bro. I love how you are teaching me already.) Sarah, I am enamored with you. If God's desire for me is to shepherd the heart of a woman, I say, "BRING YOU ON!" It is such fun to dream of you. I love you.
If you happen to be the son of my right hand, I welcome you. Benjamin, I finalized your name (and inshallah, your sister's name also) at the ripe age of ten. I have been dreaming of you forever. I never dreamed you'd be my second son and just how much significance your name would bring. I am a right-handed mama, and when you arrive, I know that John (my gift of grace) will shift to my weaker hand. He will be three and much more sufficient than you. You will require my strength, my right hand. Your daddy, however, is left-handed. I have had uncertainty about your name for many reasons, but one of the lesser ones is that I was unsure if I wanted to name the son of my left-handed man "son of my right hand." However, I see in John so many similarities to Daddy and me. I am praying for you that you would literally be his right hand, that you would be able to aid and teach us as our right hand. In particular, Daddy would love for you to be an excellent conversationalist, an initiator with people, and somewhat organized. Anyway you come, you will be a treasure to your mama. Benjamin, I absolutely would love if you'd be you that I might see some insane brother bond between you and a certain friend of mine named John. I also dream that you - another little man with a different personality - will further my healing and complete freedom in our LORD Jesus. I know that you will make Mama so proud and be worthy of such respect from me. If God wants me to journey with a tribe of gentle, loving, strong & wild-hearted men, I am thrilled! I cannot wait to meet you, Benjamin Joseph (may God add to me yet another son). I love you.
Here's to not finding out the gender tomorrow. (Muahahahahah!)
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