I am acutely aware of this month because it means that I become one year older.
On this day, 28 years ago, my lovely mama was miserably pregnant and due.
My birthday is yet a week away.
Love you, Mama.
Sometimes it seems that the new year begins in February.
January has always been my least favorite month.
Not a month brimming with possibility and newness, but a month filled with winter.
It's still winter in February, you say.
Correct, but in February, I celebrate - for at least a week.
It's necessary this time of year - the celebrating - so I thank God for my birth.
{The rest of my blessed family was/will be born in summer, the blessed season.}
Also, it may take me a minute to get to the point of this appointment with my laptop.
I need a moment to record my thoughts on this winter (one reason for this post's tardiness).
In early January, Josh and I returned to Michigan for the most snow I've ever seen. (I think it was like eight inches. Anyway, it looked like a lot.) I stayed in my house for days on end (from Saturday night until my doctor's appointment on Wednesday to be exact). Josh only went to school two days his first week back.
A word of thanks: I am thankful that we had such rich family time together. Usually when we return from a trip to Georgia, I have a very tough time getting back into the swing of things. With Josh being home for the majority of that first week back, I had a much smoother transition. I am also very thankful that our home is mostly warm.
The remainder of January was a blur. I know that school was cancelled a handful more times (mostly due to windchill temps falling below -20). Josh and John both wiped out on our slippery sidewalks. Mama was fortunate to suffer no falls during the month of January.
A word of thanks: My anatomy scan (ultrasound) had to be cancelled by my doctor's office on its originally scheduled date. It was rescheduled for Monday, January 27, an unexpected snow day for Josh! I am so thankful that we got to experience at least one ultrasound together (though it was uneventful and no gender was revealed) during this pregnancy.
February came in messily. On the first day of the month, we had a snowy Saturday with some accumulation followed by the temperate rising above freezing and an afternoon filled with steady rain. At nightfall, the temperate dipped again (of course) leaving our sidewalks a slick sheet of ice. Yuck! The next couple of days were delightful (who am I?) with highs in the twenties.
But yesterday, John and I awoke to unrelenting snow and white-out conditions. (Our little preschool/English school classes were cancelled.) At 12:30 p.m. when we walked outside to prepare for our doctor's appointment (ya know to dig the van out), our shovel was nowhere to be found and we were dealing with a whole lot more snow than anticipated. I came back inside to collect my thoughts. After wading through the snow a second time, I decided to just put John in the van and crank her up. (When I ask John if it's hot or cold outside, he no longer answers. When I ask John if it's hot, cold, or freezing, he responds immediately, "Freeeeeeezing!" He responded yesterday.) I brushed a huge lot of snow of my back windshield and got in after talking to my neighbor about how he didn't think we'd make it out. I told him that I was about to get in my van and cancel my doctor's appointment. He wanted to help me, but at this point, I didn't have enough time to make it to my appointment and the roads (from what I could see) were terrible, snow steadily falling down.
I was frustrated. I may have already been crying while talking to my neighbor, my jeans wet up to my knees. I just needed a minute in my van to cry. I told John, "Mama just needs to cry." He said, "Okay." He's kind of used to this conversation with a pregnant mama and all. He's also very skilled in the art of comfort. Big almost-three-year-old with soft, understanding blue eyes. My boy.
After about 15 minutes of crying, we trudged back inside (after stopping to tell another neighbor, "No, we're NOT going anywhere." [Sigh.] No need to help us.), stripped off our pants, socks, and shoes (both of us SOAKED) and promptly got on the internet to check the price of airfare to Miami (WAY out of our price range). For the rest of the day, I was an all-around nasty person. I binged on any and all food we had in the house (sweet, salty, fruity, junky, you name it! - hey, I am pregnant!), and when Josh got home I basically hated myself and felt too miserable to move. (Of course, he went right back outside where he spent the next hour shoveling out our parking spaces. Good man.)
Wednesday, February 5 was the worst day of winter. And it was one of the worst days inside the body of Ashley Beam.
And here I am writing on Thursday, February 6 the all-encompassing word of Ashley Beam's purpose in 2014.
Of course, God has His own plans, and will do whatever He wants. (I welcome that!)
I had a word in 2013: Intimacy.
And while God did grow me in my intimacy with Him this past year, I certainly feel like my word for 2013 became engage: He taught me to live my life where I'm currently living. It was an extremely hard and stretching year. Extremely.
2014 is going to be a very weird year of transition. Thus far, my body has transitioned from a young, vibrant, life-giving (coffee-drinking) being to a daily depleted, still life-giving (decaffeinated) being. Oh yeah, and this bod's just getting bigger and bigger. Sigh.
Then there's the fact that I'm gonna give birth (God willing) mid-year. Yes, there will be some stretching and changing happening in my body at that time, but the real transition comes after birth: I'll have two kids! (I do not pretend to know how this squirmy blessing will change my life. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT, THOUGH. Also excited to drink caffeine again!)
There are other transitions on the horizon for Mr. Beam and I later this year. Can't write about them just yet, but I am anxious to see what God has in store.
It is hard to choose a word for a year laden with such mystery and possibility.
So much is unknown.
This is precisely why it's taken me until February 6 to write this post.
After much consideration (and then no thought at all), my word for 2014 is
Privilege.
Privilege. I love this word.
Privilege. I long to live this word.
First thing.
Privilege defined: 1. a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people. 2. something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure.
Privilege synonyms: advantage, benefit, prerogative, entitlement, right, concession, freedom, liberty, honor, pleasure
Oh, how I long to say ...
It is a privilege to wake up a new day John's mama.
It is a privilege to read this book fifteen times a day.
It is a privilege to put together the same three puzzles multiple times daily.
It is a privilege to cart (by cart, I mean carry) the laundry down to the basement daily. (This, my friends, is the worst part of laundry.)
It is a privilege to whittle down the never-ending mountain of dishes.
It is a privilege to wade through snow and skate on ice to unlock my van door.
It is a privilege to care for six kids who are not mine.
It is a privilege to plan meals for (almost) every night of (almost) every week.
It is a privilege to (almost) never leave my warm home.
It is a privilege to grow a tiny human in my own womb. (!!!)
It is my prerogative, my liberty, my honor to love and care for and nurture this little spot on planet Earth where God Himself planted me. It is my own rare opportunity, no one else's.
... Because, in fact, it is.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)
I can do with my freedom in Christ whatever I choose. He made me free for freedom's sake.
The question I ask myself is this: Am I living free?
The answer is almost always no.
...Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 cont'd)
I lived so much of my life bearing the burden of slavery.
I still live so much of my life bearing the burden of slavery.
I am a slave to my circumstances.
I am a slave to my patterns. My personality.
I continue in slavery when God is calling me to live free.
Y'all I love this ...
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:1-3)
Because of my position in Christ (ya know, seated with God), I can actually live this life simultaneously in two worlds. {This is crazy.} Even while my van and I are stuck in the snow, my heart and mind can be where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. And when every day is spent with Him, every day becomes sweet. Every day becomes my privilege.
Because the truth?
He gave me John - my gift of grace - to make me look like Himself in ways that no one else can.
He gives the snow and the (freeeeezing) winter rains. (Check out Hosea 6:3.)
He gave me the man and all his (let's be real - pregnant here) and my own dirty dishes.
He gave (ummm most definitely ... SURPRISE!) Baby to me during this specific horrifying winter season to grow and to love.
He has given so much to me.
This year it is my privilege to give back to Him.
No longer enslaved by my circumstances.
It is my ultimate privilege to live with Him.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23-24)
Happy 2014 {finally}! It is my privilege to share with you in this space.
Any words y'all are living by this year?
No comments:
Post a Comment