My husband joked that us getting pregnant was the easiest thing he'd ever done.
We tried to get pregnant with Baby in July of last year.
We failed.
We then decided we'd put off trying until the beginning of 2014.
Surprise! In early October of 2013 we lovingly gazed at those two precious pink lines that equal the tiny one packing the winter pounds on me currently.
We are fertile.
My period comes like clockwork.
I discern my cycle day based on my level of emotional stability without ever peeping at a calendar.
We are very blessed.
I have watched a very dear friend and a very dear family member struggle to be as I am.
Fertile.
With a clockwork cycle.
{Maybe they endeavor to be more emotionally stable. Yes, and I am certain they both are! Ha!}
I have prayed.
I have sought to mourn with them and rejoice with them.
{They've both been pregnant and God has even given a precious baby boy celebrating his second birthday soon!}
I have also been pregnant before them.
My big belly, my pregnancy aches (the literal kind) and complaints, my newborn - all for their eyes and hearts to take in.
I've done all of this totally imperfectly, and required much grace.
I try not to write how-to posts or give too much advice on my blog because I believe that we are all invited to a dynamic, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We are given opportunity to follow Him, and He will inevitably lead us down different paths. I do, however, think I've learned some valuable lessons through my own journey with infertility. My journey has involved observing my dear ones sensitively and prayerfully and also examining my own heart in how God would have me relate to them. I am reminded through this journey that God works every single thing for good - whether or not a precious baby ever enters the world. For what it's worth, here are my thoughts.
1. I learned that our difficulties are just as varied as we are.
I wonder often as I pray for my unborn why I get to be the gal who gets pregnant easily with healthy children. {Note: John has never thrown up in his life. He's almost three. What the what?!} How do I get off so easy? With healthy pregnancies? Healthy {and precious} babies? It's a little much to take in when I read about so many losses, so many children perpetually suffering, so many mommies on bed rest or visiting their babies in the NICU. I can't understand God's precise purpose, but I know that He works mighty through trials.
James (Jesus's little bro) makes a bold assertion in the first statement of his letter to Jewish Jesus-followers: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds" (James 1:2).
Trials are literally a gift from God to develop us. To perfect us. To cause us to share Jesus's look.
I have to remind myself that the burden of infertility is God's gift to my dear friends. It is NOT a reason to feel sorry for them, but a reason to take heart. Both of these women walk with Jesus, the Overcomer of the world. It makes me excited to see God's perfect heart for them as He literally gifts them with a trial for their good and for the good of many, many others.
Last night I took an Influence Net class from a sweet lady named Ellen (not my first class from her, mind you; she's a great Bible teacher! If you're missing sound instruction on issues of faith or even practical issues such as mothering, blogging, or organization, consider taking a $10 Influence Network class. Totally worth it!). The theme of the class was crushing the evil little womanly habit of comparison. I struggle mightily with comparing myself with other women - especially in the arena of mothering (my most important job). Ellen made a great point that God assigns various "rough places" to various women. We are all on an individual discipleship journey and we are all uniquely loved by God toward unique wholeness. {Translation: Each of our final portraits will be different, all lovingly brushed - stroke by stroke - with divine paint and divine design.} We need not compare if we rest in how wildly, crazily loved by God we are! Even (and especially) those of us struggling through infertility. Also, my rough place is not better/worse/easier/harder than yours. It was carefully chosen for me by God Himself because of His great love for me! The same applies to you, sister.
Therefore, I praise you, Father, for infertility. If I am ever faced with this specific trial myself, remind me to consider it pure joy! For now, I consider winter, the aches of pregnancy ice falls, the always being indoors, and the tough diaper rashes pure joy. I know that you want me complete in Christ. Thank You for your perfect Father heart towards me during this season. In and through Jesus {with joy}, I pray.
2. I learned just how selfish I am!
I got pregnant for the first time in September of 2010. Being the oldest grandchild I always thought that I would have the first baby. However, exactly two years before learning that I was pregnant, my sister learned that she was expecting. And exactly two years before telling my sister that I was making her Aunt Calley for the very first time, she slid a hand-written note across the Pooler Huddle House table which read, "You're going to be an aunt!!!" This was the best news! My response was complete euphoric jubilation! My arms flew over my head in victory! My nephew (mercy, I wanted a nephew) was on his way!
Though Mason was a surprise, he was a most welcome one. My sister (also in the fertile camp) knew how I relished being firstborn. (Face it, y'all; we're special.) She asked me once if I was upset she got pregnant before me. My one-time response? NO.WAY. I cannot imagine life without (or even life before) Mason. I know I loved my sister and related to her back when, but my love for her multiplied times 8 million on Sept. 30, 2008 - the day my heart embraced the role of aunt.
On gender reveal day, my Mama, Aunt Lise, Gram, Cal/Mase, and me packed into a small ultrasound room to await the news. I had on a blue t-shirt, blue pj pants, a blue sports bra, blue undies, blue socks, blue tennies, even my pony tail was wrapped in blue. I was ready to meet my boy! My nephew. And there he was. I cried as the nurse began to talk to Mason and call him by name. Never had my heart been so full!
I threw an epic party for Mason & Calley prior to his arrival: March Madness for Mason. We had everything basketball. I drained my bank account to make it absolutely perfect. We invited 75 people to the relatively small ranch-style gals' ministry pad where I lived. I think around fifty showed up. Calley was so cared for during her pregnancy. I bought everything I could. I cherished every minute with her, that sweet sister carrying my nephew.
Mason's birthday came quick! May 28, 2009. I slept through about seventeen phone calls from my mama denoting that they were on their way to the hospital. Umm. It was like 5 o'clock in the morning {in my defense}. The day was like a whirlwind. Nurse Sarah in and out - firing up Pitocin. Calley was the nicest she's ever been in her life even before she was drugged. She labored for twelve hours without the epidural, and at about 4 centimeters she finally requested the long-feared needle bliss. Within an extremely short period of time (Note: I was in the waiting room eating doughnuts with Lisa, Christen, Gram and Grandma Wendy planning my wedding while we thought Calley was sleeping.), she dilated to 9.5, started pushing, and Mason's heart rate drastically dropped. Having been warned by God weeks earlier that Calley's labor would not be without hiccups, I was not surprised when my mama met me at the door in scrubs requesting that we come collect Calley's belongings so that they could clear her room for someone else. She was headed to the OR. {Insert great story about Calley removing oxygen mask to comfort my hysterical aunt. Haha! Fun times; we thought Lisa would need a heart transplant after this experience.} I remember kissing her head and telling her I would pray. Everything - assuredly - would be fine. I exited quickly, found Mama down the hallway awaiting her fate as guest in the operating room. I'm sure I blew her a kiss too. In the waiting room, I paced and prayed. {I remember feeling special that God included me on this little secret - this little trial (gift) coming to fruition in my sister's life.} Mason was soon wheeled to the waiting room door by his Meme and a nurse. He was told how loved he was by Jesus and how much he looked like his A (he did/does).
I spent all my time at the hospital over the coming days. Also taking trips to Babies r us picking up forgotten/unknown necessities. Grabbing food. Repeatedly moving Mama's car. Every time I entered the Mother-Baby ward of Candler Hospital my arms were overflowing. I remember staying until one in the morning - holding Mason while rocking the weight of my body and his back and forth (because no rocking chair?!? We had the tiniest room in the hospital, I am certain.) so his mama and Meme could sleep. He would only sleep in my arms with constant rocking - this is my most treasured memory.
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| Photo: Hannah and Randall Photography Sisters on Mink's Wedding Day 12/15/13 13 weeks pregnant |
All the while, someone very important to me kept getting more and more bad news in her loooonnnnnngggg struggle to get pregnant. In my selfishness, I wished everyone could just forget about the infertility and focus on the excitement and anticipation happening in my life, in my womb.
I have since learned that in God's society expecting is equivalent to the Law. I was holding people to a standard impossible to meet. Grace is - if not the opposite, at least - very different from high expectations. Grace says, who cares if you don't meet my standards? God made a way for us all to be perfect and loved before Him. I have learned to drop my expectations and be surprised by God when He uses His own to willingly bless us as we anticipate the coming of this new bundle! I have such peace and security in Jesus. He cares for me, my son, and my soon-to-be so well on the daily. I am also so thankful to share my pregnancy with many dear friends who are also expecting.
One of the first verses I ever memorized was Galatians 2:20. While all that this verse implies is life-altering, I remember being far more impressed with verse 21, therefore, I remembered it also.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (21) I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!
These verses tell us that we have every need met in Christ. He lives in us. This is wild and I experience His benefits every. single. day. These verses tell me that my righteousness rests completely on Jesus's shoulders (I don't have to worry about it!) and that when God looks for anything righteous in me, He bypasses Ashley (remember, she's dead) and gazes on His One and Only Son. Miraculous! These verses tell me that it is altogether unnecessary to set aside grace. This is true because it is true that our righteousness is a gift we did not work for. That means our righteousness is grace. As Christ's ambassador, therefore, I do not want to set aside grace in my life I live in my body. I live in grace - both giving and receiving. I do not live under Law: demanding and expecting. Uh-uh. No ma'am.
When I place expectations on others, when I keep a record of wrongs, when I look to others for my own validation, I am living under Law. I am communicating to people that you gain right standing before me if you perform to my liking. How hypocritical! When we were still sinners, Christ died in our place. No performance necessary. Still, knowing that I cannot please my Father in my own flesh, I demand others to please me. When I live in this way, I am NOT giving a clear picture of Who God is to me and Who He can be to others. Forgive me, Father. I long to give grace to everyone I meet as You so selflessly do for me. Help me, Holy Spirit, by Jesus's strength and in His Name.
3. I have learned to be open and sensitive. (Note: still learning)
Unfortunately, infertility is often the gift that keeps on giving. I believe that my God is still working. As my friends continue to struggle (and celebrate), I have learned that I need to be open with them about what God is doing in my heart. This may not be best practices for everyone; however - as if you didn't know - I'm kind of an open book. It would be totally counter to my personality (therefore really weird in the sight of my friends) not to share the details of what God is doing in my life. Sure, there are times when I need to apologize for words carelessly spoken (ummm that would be true of me everyday), but I find it far better to open up and protect the relationship than to cut someone off for the purpose of perceived "self-protection." I boldly believe that God is my Protector (and theirs).
In the same breath, I also aim to be sensitive. I do not have this figured out. However, I believe that as Jesus's own, I am accountable to consider how to spur my sisters on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). I am not to spur them on toward bitterness and resentment, thus, the consideration. I try to ask myself how I would want to be loved if I were in their shoes. My constant answer? I would want to have a friend who pursues me, who cares for me, who never ignores me.
I praise God for the gift of infertility. You may not know it, dear sisters engaged in the struggle, but I have benefited so much from your fight. God has been pruning and refining me as my belly swells and as I daily enjoy baby kicks and as I hope to continually love and encourage you. It it my privilege to walk with you regardless of how many or how few children God gives either of us. I see your God-given mother's heart! That heart has been a blessing and a guide to me as I mother my young. Thank you for letting me in. I love you. Very much.
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