Twenty-Eight

The past year has been emotionally draining. And hard.
It has also been my favorite year of my son's life.
OHemGEE I love having a two-year-old.

I think it only right to give thanks. To remember what the LORD has done.
Twenty-eight gifts of God's glorious grace.

1. My surprise baby. I planned to get pregnant and give birth during 2014. Only God. He had other plans. He has let me in on a couple of His secrets ... just why he chose to give me a summer 2014 baby rather than a fall 2014 baby. I am already sooooo proud of this kid! I also understand completely why second-borns are typically slightly wilder and just-in-general rough around the edges. While John was (almost) never exposed to caffeine, second-hand smoke, or ice falls - well - this babe will be all kinds of awesomely tough. Haha! Here's to all the baby number twos who've gone before and paved the way for my little blessing!

2. Baby daddy. He dealt with the worst PMS of my life this year followed by pregnancy hormones. He does it with style. What a man!

3. Conflict. God has a unique discipleship plan for each of us. Mine has involved quite a bit of friction in one precious relationship. Everything that God allows in my life is for my good, y'all (Romans 8:28). Everything. And especially this. Praise you, Father, for using our hardships and confrontations to bathe us in your grace, to expose your strength!

4. Reconciliation. I'm not perfect. Thanks be to God that He made us (in His likeness) able to forgive and forgive again, to give grace upon grace. I don't deserve it. I'm thankful!

5. Books. Reading the thoughts and pondering the hearts of writers draws me closer to my Father.

6. Jesus Calling. This devotion has been a game changer. Thank you for your attentive ear, Sarah Young. Your writing blesses me daily.

7. My iPhone. Josh and I don't normally do anything special on Valentine's Day, but last year our dear friends offered to keep John and we went on a date to Verizon to upgrade to smart phones. {Don't worry. After our phones were activated, we did go for coffee together. But yes. We are those people who don't know how to "date."} My iPhone allows me to group text with my sister, my mama, and my aunt everyday. I am also able to connect with many on social media because of my mobile device. As a young extroverted mama, I praise God for smart phones!

8. Divorce. God says, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16). I tend to agree. BUT I cling to the promise that God is working everything for my good. He is daily carrying His purpose for me to completion. Divorce played a huge role in my coming to Jesus. It continues to bring me back to Him with tears, failure, weakness. {For those of you who don't know my story, my parents are divorced. This is tough and good (because God is good). My husband and I, however, are very happily married.} Father, while I hate divorce, I praise You for the good which comes from it! The breaking and healing of my heart.

9. My job. No, not the mothering one. (Get to that in a minute.) I worked part-time for Better Life Bags for the better part of 2013. The friendships that were made and deepened. The getting out of my house. The skills acquired. The weaknesses realized. All of this was good.

10. My calling. This year I finally realized that when God made me Mama, He called me to the ministry of motherhood {so dear to His heart; see Psalm 127:3}. I finally arrived at a place of resting in my role. I need no extracurricular activities. It is enough to commit my all to John and Ben/Sarah {in the same way Jesus committed Himself to the twelve}. Hallelujah!

11. John's summer naps. Sweet, sweet fellowship with God.

12. Starbucks. And let's be real. Drive-thru Starbucks. I've hardly drank it since October 9 BUT there was a lot of Starbucks consumption last year. I have no shame. I might drink one of their most fattening offerings, but I drink it gladly as that sweet nectar helps me keep up with my precious one so well. Thank you, Starbucks - making us better mothers.

13. Winter. Truly hard and humbling and frustrating and isolating and looooonnnnnnngggggg. I despise Michigan winter. And yet winter has helped me recognize my complaining spirit. It's helped me embrace summer. It's made me a (moderate) lover of the outdoors. Truly appreciative of the sun {when it's visible}. It has forced me to slow down. To gain lots of baby weight. To have countless nutritious meals at home with my boys. Though I say it begrudgingly: Thanks, Father, for winter. It is hard and making me holy.

14. Traverse City, Michigan. Favorite trip ever. We camped. We got dirty. We sat in the edge of Lake Michigan's cool waters. #bucketlist We laughed together. We ate too much. We pushed John on animal swings for hours. It was bliss. Summer of 2013's last hurrah. Can't wait to see you again, TCMI.

15. Extended breastfeeding. 'Twas the ride of my life. I cannot wait until brother Benjamin or sister Sarah latches!

16. Walking. I adore walking. Sometimes I wish that I was a more active, higher energy gal. But ya know, I enjoy taking things slow. I like to walk. And I walk. A lot. I thank God that Hamtramck is such a walk-able city.

17. Love of reading. John's love of reading, that is. We spend hours reading together. Taking adventures through stories. Meeting new creatures. Barnes & Noble is our home away from home. I'm so thankful for the family members who sent John gift cards; he oft leaves the boo-kah-tee with printed treasures.

18. Grace Himself. There were really, really hard days last winter/spring. I was depressed. It was cold. It was still cold in April. Were it not for the grace of God I'd be condemned based solely on the caliber of mama I was on some of those days. Your grace is glorious, Father. My only hope.

19. My best friend. Josh never gives up on me. He made me so happy this year. Even in the midst of hardship, he made my day. Father, I do not deserve such a rare man. You are good to me!

20. His presence. Josh isn't always there. You are. Thank you, Father; I'm learning, slowly learning to acknowledge and absolutely bask in Your presence.

21. My need. God taught me that my need is not a bad thing. He taught me that the fact that I must return to Him daily, moment-by-moment (because I am prone to wander) is His gift. The failures. The disorganization. The overwhelming emotions - His gifts to keep me oft connected to Him as need drives us toward the Giver of grace. Thank you, Father. I am all kinds of jacked up and it is okay.

22. Boys! I love boys. I have no idea what I'll do if this baby is a girl. (Part of me hopes it's a girl so I can relate to girls/get excited about girlish things. Many of my friends have girls and I. just. don't. relate.) I am obsessed with boys. If I stop to talk to a cute kid in Target, chances are it will be a little boy. I'm ruined. God knew what I needed. John Ash, what I needed was you.

23. Being a high school teacher's wife. I went to prom. John and I can be found week nights at either basketball or baseball games (depending on the season). Love meeting Josh's students! So fun! I am so proud of the example Josh is to these kids.

24. Talking John. He is so hilarious. The kitchen = the chicken. Daddy can "fisk" (fix) anything. Miss-mas is his favorite holiday. "I love you, Mama. You're my best friend," is my favorite saying of John's. No one told me how hard he'd make me laugh. What a joy!

25. Going big before going home. Winter 2014 has been truly epic. Most snow ever accumulated in a single month in the D: January 2014. I'll endure (almost) anything for a good story. This winter boasts many stories.

26. Listening & Inner Healing Prayer conference. This was the biggest (and best) conference of the sort to date. What a blessing to be a part of it! God really has used my ability to quiet myself and open my ears/heart to speak healing into my life. If you ever get the chance to go to this conference, DO IT!

27. Phone conversations with Mama. I talk to her everyday. No one can know what about. Ha! I love being her daughter, her partner; we're learning to love people and never, never give up.

28. Little Mr. Beam. John is the icing on the cake and the cake itself! My how God uses this tiny person to grow and shape and soften me! I am in love. I am in awe. I treasure John. Thank you, Father. He is the perfect firstborn for me.

{One to grow on}: Baby kicks! Because they're precious and remind me that this year is gonna be the best yet!