Yes, I realize that I didn't finish my 31 Days series back in October and I've been missing in action since then.
There's a reason for that: (note) I am horrible at keeping secrets. Especially really big ones.
See, what had happened was ...
On October 9 (three days after discovering our house was infested with bed bugs while we had a very gracious and wonderful guest lodging in said house), Josh and I (much to our surprise) found out that I was carrying (still am) our second little baby Beam.
The big secret was ...
I'm pregnant!
16 weeks pregnant, in fact. (Feeling his/her first little flutters this week. Yes, early. Yes, I love it!)
Here's the story: I went out to Starbucks and then on a Better Life Bags errand for some much-needed alone time. After accomplishing time by myself and making my purchase on behalf of BLB, I ran in Target to grab a few things for the kids I keep at my friend's English school. I also bought a pregnancy test because my period (sorry if any dudes are reading this) was already a day late and my period is NEVER late, but always, always on time and often early. I then decided that I should take said pregnancy test because I have a disorder that causes me to take any pregnancy tests in my possession immediately. So, right there in the second stall of the Target bathroom, thinking to myself, "Wouldn't it be funny if I got a positive pregnancy test here?" I saw the darkest pink line I've ever seen. I immediately lifted my arms in praise to God, the Giver of every good and perfect gift, then I thought about how all I'd consumed that day was coffee (and there realized that I'd forgotten to eat in the busyness of the day). I also thought, "How did this happen?" (Don't answer that. Josh and I have successfully managed no birth control other than natural family planning this whole four years of marriage {John was very much planned.}, and we intended to make a baby right about now {beginning of 2014} #ohwell) Then I thought of how I'd been thinking of this baby since John was born, and I got so stinking excited in that moment! Then I felt like I was going to vomit. I felt diarrhea coming on (TMI, I'm aware.). I had a 45 minute drive home before I could tell Josh (because I had to tell him in person). How could I withhold something this monumental from him for 45 whole minutes? (He knew before I did about John's coming because I walked out of the bathroom while he watched the pregnancy test fade in two pink lines. He wanted to vomit then. What had we done?!? I think all parents know the feeling. Joy and terror.) Anyway, I made it home. Still no food. There was no stinking way I could eat at this point.
Josh and John were in the bathroom. Bath time for the little one. I could not have planned this scenario better if I tried. Josh began to tell me about this book he'd been reading (Fathered by God, John Eldredge). He told me that the gist of the book is that we not feel abandoned by our own dads when they fail to father us in some capacity, and that we not feel abandoned when we are in some hard station of life alone and scared. These are the sacred moments to experience God's fatherhood to us. These hard moments are also ways in which God is prepping us to uniquely father others. I mean he was going on and on about fathering and then he started talking about fathering many.
To which I replied,
"Funny you should say that..."
My voice trailed and I let the picture I'd taken of a certain dark-pink-line pregnancy test do the talking.
Josh's reaction was priceless and may be my favorite moment of our married lives. He let out a loud "Whaaaaat," followed by a loud yell, followed by a tight hug because I finally broke and sobbed. I had felt so much in that hour and it all had to come out somehow. Tears.
A week later I traveled to Georgia to throw a wedding shower for my cousin, Mink. I told all my family (at 4.5 weeks pregnant) and then started spotting lightly. The spotting lasted for four days and scared me into submission. You see, after finding out that I was going to have two kids I went into I-can-do-anything-mama-mode. I was not resting well. I was just being a task-oriented mama to my boy (task-oriented, I am not). Spotting was my first pregnancy symptom (followed by many, many more) and I did next to nothing to prepare my vision for Minkey's shower. (Sorry, Mink. Thanks, Mama, Cal & Chris. #rockstars)
It was certainly cool on spotting Sunday (the next-to-last-day of spotting). I was sitting in church with my mama while my pastor at my home church preached from 2 Kings 2. He preached about discipleship and made us wonder who our Elisha was. But the verse that really caught mine and Mama's attention, a promise straight from God, was 2 Kings 2:21:
Then he went to the spring of water and threw salt in it and said, "Thus says the LORD, I have healed this water; from now on neither death nor miscarriage shall come from it."
My mama had a pack of salt stashed in the crease of her Bible from a previous sermon. We looked at each other knowingly. The LORD had spoken; I should trust. {I find it no coincidence that I have craved all the salty things during this pregnancy. God also gave us a promise about John before we were pregnant from 2 Kings. Point taken. If I don't want to be pregnant, steer clear of this book. :)}
My first trimester was very hard. I only puked once {with my head hanging out the van door in the brisk Michigan fall air as traffic whizzed by; yes, 'twas dramatic.} And I only had all day nausea for one day. {Yes, I am lucky.} BUT I have experienced the depths of despairing mama exhaustion. I didn't cook. I didn't clean. I just kept up my daily must-do-or-people-will-scream duties (mostly) and made sure John was still alive when Josh got home. As soon as my saint of a husband walked through our door, I fell into our bed to either engage in something meaningless on my iPhone or sleep (or both). Those were dark days.
I also had absolutely no brain power or mental focus during my first trimester. No, seriously. I could read about one verse of the Bible and that. was. it. I resorted to reading books to John that I had memorized. It was bad. (I googled this phenomenon known as pregnancy brain, and Google confirmed that, in fact, during your first trimester, your baby eats your brain. BUT {there's hope} he/she regurgitates small chunks of it during the second trimester, which is why I am over halfway done with my current & fabulous read. Thank you, Baby.)
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| Me & my favorite oldest nephew at the classiest wedding of all time! |
And now, here I am. Indoors. {And still freezing.} With a little baby cooking away.
I have no gender predictions. No gender preferences. Benjamin or Sarah, Mama is so stoked to meet you!
BUT we won't be finding out boy/girl in a few weeks. I love for the most epic surprise to stay a surprise. (Josh and almost everyone I know say it's a girl. We shall see.)
Cravings (in the order in which they occurred, italicized if they are still occurring): Grape tomatoes, homemade ranch dip & Ruffles, chips and salsa from Chili's, baked squash (salty), Japanese food (!!!) I craved really healthy things with John. This time, not so much. I've also oft been drinking decaf sweet tea to settle my stomach. Pregnancy is a trip.
If you have read all this nonsense, you are a trooper. Bless you! I don't mean to ramble. I just want to document this pregnancy better than I did John's. I have been doing a way better job writing in my pregnancy journal this time (John writes in it too, pictured). I Father in Heaven, Thank you for this precious life growing inside of me. I cannot even imagine why on Earth you are entrusting me with two children. I am only a competent mother because YOU, Jesus. Thank you for being a lover and Giver of life. Father, I plead with you to give me the most fiercely precious months with my John-boy. His days as my only are ending and I want to treasure these last mama-son-only-days. Please help me to be all there for him. Give me wisdom and grace in knowing how to present this baby - his brother or sister! - to him. Help me to focus on loving his little heart through the transition. Father, please heal him of the current cruddy cold that he has. In Jesus's Name. Father, I pray that you would make ready John Ash to be a big brother. He is now to be forever watched by another eternal soul. Father, may he use his influence for good, for the safety and saving of Ben or Sarah's life. Give him a heart for his sibling. A heart of patient understanding and grace. A heart of joy in his/her presence. A heart of a shepherd - to be a gentle and guiding example. A heart of prayer - that he'd not fail to pray for his sibling. A heart of thankfulness. In Jesus. Father, I pray for Benjamin or Sarah. Please knit him/her with great care. Fearfully. Wonderfully. Every act on purpose. Give this child gifts and quirks and personality for the betterment of mankind, which is only equivalent to the coming of your kingdom. Father, may this child know right now at 16 weeks gestation the love of his/her Mama. And continue to give me a fierce heart for my second-born. Grow this baby. In your image/likeness. May he or she display your glory all the days. Father, may this babe's heart beat for you. Only you. Bind Satan (In Jesus's Name) from this knitting process. You, LORD, are the only One welcome in my womb. Give this baby as much health as you will. Give this Mama perseverance through pregnancy. Thank you for our health and well-being thus far. You are good! Father, for both of my children, I pray into them a heart for people, a humble & gracious spirit, an honest & wholehearted lifestyle (that they'd live wholly unto You), and a deep, deep dependence on You, Father (may they know that they are not enough; only You satisfy). Give this entire family the tenacity to face the battle. For Jesus. Amen.
I am very excited for you and Josh and John!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Aunt Mary! We are super excited as well! :)
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